


Last Hope

by AfanofManyStuffs, sparklingcas



Series: Last Hope [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Archangel - Freeform, Archangels, Big Bad, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Castiel Series, Dealing with anxiety, Demon, Demons, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hell, Injury, Innuendo, Last Hope, Love, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attack, Panic Attacks, Quickie, Reader-Insert, Romantic Soulmates, Self-Insert, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Soulmates, Supernatural - Freeform, Tension, Unresolved Tension, Violence, Vomiting, Witch - Freeform, Witchcraft, Witches, cas, cas x reader, castiel - Freeform, castiel x reader - Freeform, dealing with depression, demon hunting, lamina, sam and dean - Freeform, sex in hell, slowish burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-03-24 08:43:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13807635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfanofManyStuffs/pseuds/AfanofManyStuffs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingcas/pseuds/sparklingcas
Summary: One demon is responsible for the death of your entire family. Yeah yeah, it’s every hunter’s sob story– you know how it goes intimately and you’ve heard them all. But this demon… it did something awful. So awful that you’ve never once spoken of it.Fast forward. You’ve been hunting this demon for a decade now without so much as a hint of it’s black smoke. On the road, sometimes small things gave you hope, like a pendant that had come into your possession - or the existence of angels.But when you meet Castiel, he smashes that hope. So you’ve been cruel to him for as long as you’ve known him, pushing down your small attraction for him along the way. When he gets into trouble, you’re unable to deny your feelings for him any longer. Will you be too late to save him, or will he save you instead? (For teasers, fun facts, and regular updates about future chapters, follow my tumblr @sparklingcas!) -- Chapter 9 OUT NOW





	1. Chapter 1

_Another day, another dollar_ , you thought to yourself– not that you actually made any money as a demon hunter, but the saying was catchy. You turned into the parking lot of a small diner to grab something to eat before digging into this case. The warm, early summer weather was a great mood enhancer, and you’d been driving for the last couple of hours with the windows down. **  
**

As you pulled into a parking spot, you weren’t surprised when you looked up to see a shiny black Impala that was practically sparkling in a spot a few stalls down from where you had parked.

So, Sam and Dean were on this case too.

You should have figured they would be here. There were some pretty big omens in the area, leading you to believe that there were demons– and more than just one or two. It appeared that something big was happening, and it was only natural that the boys would be in town as well.

You had run into Sam and Dean several times over the years, ever since you first started hunting. They had occasionally shared a motel room with you or taken you out to eat– as you did for them. You usually ran into them on hunts, occasionally at the bum-fuck middle of nowhere bar or burger joint. You had their phone numbers, they had yours– which made you buddies or whatever.

Typically, when you ran into them on a hunt, you were swooping in and saving their asses. They were good hunters but  _damn_ , they got themselves into some heavy situations sometimes. Various memories, such as the apocalypse came to mind, but you shoved your thoughts aside in favor of contemplating food as your stomach rumbled.

Putting your truck in park and killing the engine, you walked into the diner that had obviously been on this Earth a lot longer than you had. You scanned the restaurant until your eyes landed on the back of Sam’s head. As you began to move in their direction, you saw Dean sitting in front of him, shoveling in that cherry pie you could smell from ten feet away. You’d been to this place before, cherry pie was their specialty. Which meant it really wasn’t a surprise that the boys were here.

Sam was on his laptop– his half eaten food shoved to the side. Reaching out with both hands, you threaded your fingers through his luscious locks that you were unashamedly jealous of. “You know, you really need to tell me what kinda conditioner you use,” you said.

Without missing a beat Sam turned around and replied, “Y/N, I don’t use conditioner.”

“ _Lies_ ,” you said jokingly before squishing yourself into the booth next to him. He scooted over and you rested your head on his shoulder as you looked across the table at Dean, bumping your feet into his. “I’d hug you but you’ve got some uh… red stuff on your lip.”

“I was just savin’ it for you,” Dean replied, winking, his eyes practically sparkling, as he shoveled the last bite of pie in and wiped his mouth clean with a napkin he had wadded up in his hand while he ate. He was unfairly attractive, even while he was eating.

“Aw Dean, you know I prefer blueberry,” you said with a smile.

If it wasn’t obvious, you missed them just a bit.

You sat up straight and looked between Sam and Dean, “So, demons?”

“Yep,” Sam confirmed.

“Looks like a Crowley rebellion,” Dean said, his tone switching over to an annoyed one.

“Oh  _god_ ,” you complained as you rolled your eyes, “Why?”

“No idea. But Crowley won’t do anything about it,” Sam answered, “Dean called him.”  

A waitress walked up to the table and stopped on your side of the booth, looking you up and down as if you had ragged on her uniform.

“Can I take your order,” she said, not asked, flatly.

“Uh double cheeseburger, extra cheese, no side, and whatever house tea or lemonade is your specialty,” you said in the most cheerful, upbeat-bubbly voice you had.

“Coming right up,” she droned.  _Damn_. The sun sure didn’t shine in her direction.

“She’s been hitting on Sam the whole time we’ve been here,” Dean said as she walked away.

You looked over at Sam with a huge grin on your face, as he rolled his eyes, “Yeah, and it wasn’t happening.”

“Aw why not Sammy?” you asked, earning a glare from him.

“Any other time, sure. But we’ve got a lot on our plate right now,” he said.

You let out an exasperated sigh as you waved at him with your hand, “Ugh fine; Fair enough.”

“Looks like these demons might have a hideout in this old barn on the outskirts of town,” Sam interjected quickly before you or Dean had the chance to hook him up with anyone.

“Naturally.” You added, “Why’s it always an old barn or warehouse? Why can’t it be like… a candy store?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the waitress approaching. As she neared the table you turned, leaning in to plant a huge, wet kiss on Sam’s cheek. Dean practically choked from trying to not laugh, and as you turned back around the waitress sat a glass of iced tea down in front of you. “Food’ll be done in a minute,” she said coldly before walking away.

“Are you ever  _not_  causing trouble?” Sam asked you, looking at you now as you lifted up the glass of tea and took a perfectly timed sip, not surprised one bit when it tasted more like tea flavored sugar water. You shook your head as you sipped on your sugary drink and smiled. You loved causing trouble. After hunting, it’s what you lived for. Maybe on occasion that made you seem like a bitch, but at least you were having fun, right?

The sound of footsteps neared the table again, this time heavier. Footsteps that didn’t belong to the waitress. Footsteps you’d heard before. You tensed up, knowing just who must be. Not that it was really much of a surprise considering Sam and Dean were friends with him.

You turned just in time to see Castiel pass you and walk to the side of the booth were Dean was sitting. Dean scooted over to make room for Cas. You didn’t resist the urge to roll your eyes at this new development.

“You guys didn’t tell me not-so-flappy-bird was coming,” you said, now extremely annoyed.

Castiel did that thing he does, where he opens his mouth to speak only to not know what he’s going to say, and then closes his mouth again, deciding not to say anything. Instead, he squinted at you while he cocked his head, as if he didn’t quite know what to make of you, and wished he didn’t have to acknowledge you at all.

“Oh by all means,” you added, setting your drink down and leaning back in the booth, “don’t let my presence bother you.”

“Y/N,” Dean drawled, shooting you a warning look. He was trying to avoid the inevitable argument that always seemed to break out between you and the angel.

“Dean,” you mocked.

It was pretty well known that you weren’t Castiel’s number one fan. On the occasional hunt when you ended up saving Sam and Dean’s asses, sometimes Cas was there. And sometimes you had to save him, too. You hated having to save Cas. He was an ‘angel of the Lord’.  _He_  should be saving  _you_.

“You didn’t tell me she was going to be… present.” Castiel’s voice was tense as he did his best to not make eye contact with you.

“She just shows up. It’s awful,” Dean joked as he once again winked at you, bringing a smile back to your face.  _Thank god Dean’s here_ , you thought. As fun as it might be, you weren’t quite in the mood to argue.

You didn’t notice when the waitress walked back over to set your food down in front of you, but she all but threw it and you were certain that Cas almost laughed. She obviously avoided you as much as she could. You laughed to yourself quietly, loving that you had burst her bubble.

Sam and Dean briefly spoke with Castiel as you ate. Luckily for him, you were too hungry to do any pestering. It was growing dark outside, Castiel had ordered coffee, and Sam and Dean had their drinks refilled as the four of you sat there.

By the time the diner was ready to close, a plan had been made. You agreed to tag along with Sam and Dean to take care of this hoard of demons, and… Cas was going to help. You weren’t thrilled, but figured it could be worse.

And who knows, maybe the demon you were after would be in this batch.

It was decided that tomorrow night would be when you all would go to this old barn, meaning you had some time to kill.

Lifting your feet up and snuggling them comfortably in Castiel’s lap, you grinned at him when he glared at you. The expression on his face told you that he was waiting for an explanation, and you really could not get enough of his squinty face. It made you glow.

“Broken angels make good foot rests,” you explained as your grin faded into a smirk.

“Broken hunters look better when they keep their mouths shut,” he snapped back, earning a laugh from you when he cocked his head to the side.

“Actually, I think I look a lot better with my mouth wra-”

“ _Okay_! Okay. I think it’s time to get outta here.” Sam interrupted you, knowing just which direction your statement was heading in.

You weren’t sure if Cas knew what you were going to say or not. Either way, you felt satisfied.

“Fine,” you agreed, reaching into your front pocket and throwing enough money to cover everyone’s food (and even Cas’ coffee) down on the table. “Drinks on Dean.”

You stood and started your way out to your truck, fully intending on spending the next few hours at the bar you’d seen down the road on your way in.

Sam and Dean, followed by Cas, exited the diner as well.

Leaning against the door of your truck, you took your phone out to check the time and see if you had any missed calls.

When you saw Cas walk up to the car in the spot next to yours, you smiled. You might not have been his biggest fan, but he was hot and fun to mess with.

“Hey hot wings,” you called as you practically skipped over to his driver’s side door and leaned up against it, blocking him from opening it.

He rolled his eyes at you, his whole body turning to the side as he tried to deflect whatever it was you were planning on saying next.

“Y/N,” he responded.

“You gonna come have some drinks with us?” you asked.

“Probably not.”

“Aw, come on Cassy,” you teased.

“Don’t call me that,” he growled through his teeth as his hands balled into fists while he struggled to stand still. It was incredibly comical how easy it was for you to get on his nerves and apparently… under his skin. But the way he struggled to stay still caused you to feel a certain way.

“Fine.  _Feathers_ ,” you said with no intention of backing away from the driver’s side door of his truck. Dean and Sam had already rolled out of the parking lot, surely rolling their eyes because you wouldn’t leave Cas the hell alone.

For some reason you just couldn’t.

Letting out one of your famous exasperated sighs, you looked up at the blue-eyed seraph and reached out, grabbing onto the edge of his trench coat tightly. Cas’ natural reaction was to grab your wrist with his hand. For a moment, you both shared intense eye contact, not sure of exactly what was happening even as it stirred your insides. You almost felt tingly all over.

Your heart fluttered in your chest and heat rose within you. Castiel was a sight to see, and even you had to admit that. His hair was done in such a way that it didn’t look too messy, yet not too neat. His suit fitted him well, but not perfectly. His eyes bored into you in a way that felt so sinful - which felt odd, considering he was an angel. His lips closed tightly before his tongue darted out to wet them, and your breath hitched.

He was close. Very close. His hand had slid up your arm absentmindedly. Your chest was just inches from his, and you heaved in a heavy breath, reducing the space.

Too close.

Shaking yourself out of whatever that was, you pulled away. Castiel was staring at you intently, trying to figure out what was going on - as were you. You just as quickly turned and walked back to your truck, leaving him standing there as your heart pounded more than it should have. You could feel him watching you as you left, not daring to turn around and look.

You needed that drink, and you needed it now.

-

You and Dean had found yourself at the only bar in town, which wasn’t quite as dirty and grungy as you had expected. It was clean, it didn’t smell like stale beer and an unclean bathroom, and it had a decent jukebox, which kept you and Dean entertained for most of the evening.

By the end of the night, it was just you and Dean. Sam ended up running into the waitress from the diner and going back to the motel with her, and you hadn’t seen Cas since that weird diner parking lot thing.

After crushing you at a game of pool (for the third time), both of you were sure to have a hangover the next morning. Or rather… in a few hours when the sun came up.

“So,” he began, “why are you such a bitch to Cas?”  The two of you were sitting in booth, both of you leaning drunkenly on each other. It wasn’t unlike you to make yourself comfortable on whoever it was that you were with.

“I’ve drank too much to safely talk about this,” you said. You were at that stage just before your words started slurring. But you also didn’t have feelings at the moment, so you were also kind of safe from embarrassing yourself.

“What, you got the hots for him or something?” Dean asked.

You sat up, the alcohol keeping you from controlling your reaction to Dean’s question. As you avoided contact with him, you said, “You keep your filthy mouth shut Dean Winchester.”

Dean let out a laugh as he wrapped his hand around his beer. “Not judging,” he paused to take a sip of his beer and he waited for you to look up at him, “but you know Cas is  _not_  interpreting whatever it is that you’re trying to pass off as flirting, right?.”

“It’s not flirting,” you said quickly. It  _wasn’t_  flirting.

“What is it then?” Dean asked. “Enlighten me.”

You reached out for your own drink to take a sip of whatever it was. You had just asked for something with tequila in it, so that’s what you had been drinking all night.

“I  _might_ …” you tiptoed, looking for the right words, “…find him attractive.”

“There we go,” Dean said.

“ _But_ ,” you interrupted, “that’s it.”

You noticed the exact moment that the alcohol had hit Dean. It was obvious in the way his head fell back as he let out the loudest laugh you’d ever heard from the Winchester. You made a face at him, slightly offended - you thought you had been doing a pretty good job at lying. How dare he imply otherwise?

“Come  _on_ ,” he teased.

You only shook your head at him as you stood up and offered him your hand. “‘Come on’ is exactly right.” you said, “Looks like we’re walkin’, drunko.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean responded as he took your hand.

The two of you walked the short walk back to the motel, your arm locked around his, both of you slightly stumbling– but only just slightly on your way back. It was a nice night out, not too chilly. Summer was definitely in the air and it was enjoyable. Dean was sort of half singing as you both walked, and you went along with it until you were both stopped by a force that instantly killed your buzz.

Crowley. He stood directly in front of you and Dean, very obviously judging you for your current intoxicated state.

“Oh god, what?” Dean said as he stood up straight.

“Was just checking in,” he said as he looked both you and Dean up and down, “I wanted to see if you were taking care of this issue I seem to be having.”

You squinted at him, wondering just how he managed that king of hell title he held. He had to have bribed someone or something.

“Well we were going to take care of it,” you mocked his accent as you snapped, “but now that you’ve gone and gotten all cocky-”

“I was afraid you might say that,” Crowley interjected, “that’s why I have something of yours.”

Both you and Dean stood there, nervous. What the hell did he do? Were these demons really that important to kill?

“You better not’ve touched my brother,” Dean began to shout, “How did you even find us?!”

“Not Moose,” Crowley replied. The smug look he wore on his face struck something within you. He should really die, you thought. It was strange, like a twinge. Because there was no one living that you cared about enough for Crowley to take.

Or so you thought, until he help up his phone, which had a live feed of Castiel, chained up in a dungeon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After regretting your night of drinking, you decide to go on a mission to save Cas.

**THEN  
**

At fourteen years old, you were forced out on your own after the death of your family. You went into foster care for some time, bouncing back and forth between families that weren’t yours and group homes for troubled teens. You had gotten the chance to run away when you were sixteen, and you took it, and never looked back. That’s when you dedicated your life to hunting demons.

You mastered exorcisms rather quickly after you fled the system. Your life was full of dark and demonic elements, and for many years, it ate away at you. It still did. Turns out demons were Debbie downers.

After a certain point, the idea that angels might exist crept into your mind. If there were demons, there must be angels right? And angels were supposed to be soldiers of  _God himself._  They had to have an incredible advantage over demons… if they were real.

You thought that way for many years. Of course you didn’t have any clue of where to begin looking for angels, so instead you silently prayed and looked for signs. You didn’t know what kind of signs, but that still didn’t stop you. So you just kept on keepin’ on, hunting demons, and sending their asses back to hell. But one day, you met a real angel - Castiel.

Sam and Dean Winchester. Two hunters you considered friends and had known since you were sixteen told you about Castiel. They were in the midst of what they said was the apocalypse. They described him as powerful, and righteous - rough around the edges, and much to your surprise, everything you’d hoped for. And for the first time since you were fourteen, you had genuine hope.

That was until after the apocalypse had come and gone. You didn’t help the boys with it at all. As much as you had wanted to, sending Satan off was slightly above your pay grade.

One day you had gotten a call from Sam, asking for help on a case involving demons. Being a  _demon_  hunter, it was your kind of gig, so you had agreed to meet up with them. They didn’t wait for you, in the usual Winchester fashion, and by the time you got there, they were pinned up against the wall in a house. Sam was against a bookshelf, Dean on the wall opposite of his brother. It was dark, but you were able to make out two more figures in the room, one obviously the demon, and the other was on the floor, being held down by the point of a shiny silver blade.

As you quietly entered the room to save the day, you knelt down by where Dean was held up against the wall, unable to move so that you could grab his knife. When you looked back up, The demon was pushing the blade into the chest of the being that was on the ground. He was pressing slowly, as if to cause as much pain as possible.

When you realized the person on the ground wore a trench coat, you remembered when Sam and Dean had first told you about Castiel. They had mentioned his never changing attire. This was Castiel you were about to save. You. You were about to save an  _angel_. The being you had been hoping to come along and meet for almost as long as you could remember.

You were less than ten feet from the demon, and decided to throw the blade at it in a silent fit of blind rage. You watched as it landed in his lower back, in the exact spot you had been staring at. There was that satisfying orange-y glow before he fell over, dead. The silver blade he held in his hand landed on the floor next to Castiel, who held his hand over his chest as he looked up.

The boys had fallen to the ground when the demon died, its powers gone. The only thing you could do was make eye contact with this Castiel. The way he laid on the ground helpless and in distress, the way his short, fast breaths made his chest rise and fall as a white-blueish light glowed out of the wound from where the demon had tried to stab him. He rolled on his side and hunched over, coughing up blood whilst reaching out for the silver blade. It was obvious he had only been seconds away from death.

Sam was at your side a before you even realized it, Dean was crouching beside Castiel to help him up and you stood there, speechless.

“Y/N?” Dean asked when he looked back up at you after making sure his friend was okay. You didn’t say anything. Not a word. Both Dean and Sam could tell that something was wrong judging by just the look on your face.

With just the simple action of ganking a demon, your hope was lost. You watched as this “angel” recovered slowly from the attack. Angels were supposed to be powerful. They were supposed to be righteous.  _Castiel_  was supposed to be powerful.  _Castiel_ was supposed to be righteous.

“This is Cas?” you asked. Your voice was quiet. Only Sam had heard you.

“Y-yeah,” he answered.

Before either of the brothers had the chance to say anything else, before Cas could even stand, before your heart could break any further - you turned and left.

The Winchesters didn’t hear from you or run into you for two years after that.

-

**NOW**

You stood outside your motel room, leaning against the brick wall, questioning yourself. Getting drunk the night before was a mistake. Perhaps if you had all just went back to the motel instead of the bar… maybe Crowley wouldn’t have taken Cas.

Most of the time, you would pride yourself on being a demon hunter. There was an endless list of monsters out there, but you stuck to demons. Devoted your life to offing them. And they were frustrating sons of bitches. Especially Crowley. You’d wanted him dead for years.

Staring at your phone, and then your truck, you tried to think of what to do. It was early in the morning, the sun had just risen. You glanced over at the impala, wondering if Sam and Dean were up yet, and if they were, what their plans were. Would they go after Cas? Would they take care of these demons?

The smart thing for them to do would be to take care of the demons first. That should be their priority. Something big was happening and the Winchesters were needed in this town. Their room was two doors down from yours and you looked in that direction before you walked to your truck and grabbed some supplies out of the toolbox in the back.

Back in your room, you dumped the contents you held in your arms out onto the unused bed. Among the items, there was a bowl, some spell ingredients, a small knife, candles, and a black tapestry with a devil’s trap on it painted in white. You wouldn’t consider yourself a witch by any means, but knowing the trade of witchcraft did come in handy, given your line of work.

You were well aware that what you were about to do was stupid. It was idiotic and it could get both you  _and_  the Winchesters into trouble. Lying the tapestry out on the floor in what little space the room had, you gathered everything, lit the candles, killed the lights, and began mixing things together in a bowl.

As you went about it, you repeated a short chant in latin– a simple demon summoning spell. After making a small slice in your hand and allowing your blood to drip into the bowl, a demon appeared before inside the devil’s trap. The demon possessed a woman who you guessed to be around the same age as you, in her mid to late twenties. She was petite, and had dark flowing hair and skin that was too fair to be healthy, giving you the impression that the body she inhabited had been dead for awhile before she took it. Her eyes stayed black as she realized she was inside a devil’s trap.

“I need to know where Crowley is keeping the angel. Tell me and there’s something in it for you.” you said as you stood up from where you knelt on the floor.

“I’m no crossroads demon, bitch,” she retorted.

“ _Dead_ , is what you’re going to be if you don’t tell me what I wanna know,” you said firmly, looking her in the eye. Her hands were on her hips and you crossed your arms in front of you defensively.

The demon shook her head before letting her black eyes flash back to her meatsuit’s natural brown color. For a moment, you thought her black eyes looked like a deep violet.  “What’s in it for me then?” she inquired with a nasty smirk on her face.

You took a deep breath, and your heart rate sped up. You’d hoped she wouldn’t actually ask, but you should’ve known better. Demons always wanted what was in it for them; and even then it was still hard to get them to help.

Around your neck, on a long chain, tucked into your shirt, you kept a pendant you’d found years ago. It was a brass triangle covered in runes that you couldn’t translate by any normal means.. There were also seemingly random symbols on it. Wardings and sigils, accompanied the runes that you didn’t recognize. It wasn’t very large, but it held a vast amount of power.

You’d read about it once, and only once, in an extremely obscure book that you had had to translate yourself. When thrown into flames as a certain prayer was said, you could raise the archangel of your choosing.

No one but you knew you possessed the item. It wouldn’t shock you if Castiel could sense it, but you were pretty sure he couldn’t. You pulled the necklace from your shirt, and showed it to the demon. Her head cocked to the side, eyes widening slightly as her mouth parted. “Is that…?”

“It is,” you said. “Now, tell me where Castiel is.”

“Right,” the demon smirked at you as she looked you up and down, “give me that first.”

“Not a chance,” you snapped as you stuffed the artifact back into your shirt.

With a classic bitchy demon eye roll, it reluctantly agreed. You wondered for a moment just what the hell you were doing. You were saving this necklace for a trade, but not this one. Originally, your plans were to hand it off to the demon that killed your family just before  _you_  killed it. A plan you’d had in place for a very long time.

You never expected to be offering it up to stunt demon number two… for an angel.

“Your boyfriend is in hell,” she began, “locked up in a cell.”

“Hell’s a big place,” you retorted sharply as you let your arms fall to your side, ignoring the boyfriend comment.

“It’s my understanding you know your way around. Now, necklace.”

Something didn’t sit right with you. There was something wrong here.

_Wait_ , you thought. She was still in the devil’s trap. You could just kill her. Turning your back for a moment to walk over to your duffle bag, you began sifting through it to find your angel blade.You couldn’t believe you went through all this trouble,  _just_ for Cas. Hell, you didn’t even like him that much– or at least you thought you didn’t. If nothing else, he was Sam and Dean’s best friend, and you’d feel terrible if anything happened to him for their sake. But you couldn’t shake the fact that your heart sank when you thought of the seraph in that dirty old cell Crowley had locked him up in.

Your head whipped around as you heard the floor creak, just as you’d grabbed ahold of your angel blade. The demon had gotten out of the trap and she was now lunging at you. Unfortunately, she was quicker than you were and had tackled you to the ground, causing you to drop your blade. Cursing yourself for turning your back even though it was only for a second, you began to kick and hit at her as if you’d forgotten how to fight. All you could do at that point was begin to scream.

The shrieking sound of your voice screaming for Sam and Dean filled the room as you hoped they heard you. At this point the demon had you on your back and was straddling your hips as you struggled to get her off.

Before you could do anything else, your hands flew back against the floor with force. You were pinned there, helpless. That’s when you realized this was no ordinary demon. Just who had you summoned?

You stopped screaming out of fear, realizing that you really had screwed up. The demon leaned down, just inches from your face as she reached for the chain around your neck and pulled the pendant off of you, scratching the side of your neck with her nails as she did so.

“This will be useful.” she said as she moved off of you, leaving you still pinned to the floor. You moved your head to watch her as she stopped to grab your angel blade.

“I’m gonna kill you, bitch,” you snarled as you fought against the force of her power.

“Oooh,” she mocked, “You’d like that wouldn’t you? To take out the demon who ate your family? Or, well, tried to.”

What. The. Fuck.

Just as you opened your mouth to speak again, you heard the door crash in and you heard Sam and Dean shouting.

“Grab that necklace!” you shouted from your spot between the two beds in the room. You still couldn’t move.

You were pretty sure neither of the boys heard you, so you kept shouting as things sounded like they were breaking and by the time you could move to stand up, Sam and Dean were both knocked down on the floor, and the demon was gone.

“Th-that was her,” you said, “Sh-she… my f-family.” You weren’t sure what had overcome you, but you were suddenly sobbing. You had just missed your shot at taking out the one thing you’d dedicated your entire life to - and on top of it, the demon had taken your archangel necklace. You could only imagine what she planned on doing with it.

“Y/N, what the  _fuck_?!” Dean questioned as he and his brother stood.

You looked away from the brothers and down at the bed, where your belongings were scattered. You wanted to answer him, but it occured to you that they would never let you go to hell to get Cas. And you couldn’t tell them about the pendant. You just couldn’t. They were preoccupied with other stuff.

“And what necklace?” Sam added.

They both stood there in the wreckage that was your motel room. Your spell work was scattered everywhere, your bag had been knocked over, the door was kicked in, and the Winchesters looked just about as shook as you felt. Tears rolled down your face in a way that you didn’t know they could as you tried to not collapse on the ground and sob.

You glanced outside at the morning light and you failed to look back at Sam or Dean as you gathered up your duffle bag, abandoning the witchcraft stuff (you wouldn’t need it in Hell), and left. Hurrying to your truck, you tossed your bag in the back and hopped in, revving the engine just before you threw it into reverse and peeled out of the parking lot. You caught a glimpse of Sam and Dean running out of the room, throwing their hands up in confusion as they yelled after you .

You just… you needed to get to hell.

Luckily, you already knew the way down.

-

After a few short stops for food and gas, you’d reached your destination by sunset. You weren’t armed with anything that would be effective against a demon, seeing as that demon bitch had stolen your angel blade. At one of your stops for food, you snapped a picture of the page which held the information for your necklace and sent it to Sam with the caption, ‘this is what the demon took from me, went to get cas. you guys take care of the demons in town.’

You’d kept the page in your glove compartment. As far as you knew, it was the only copy of it in existence. The pendant was a mystery to most, to put it lightly.

You parked in an alley, flashed your brights four times and then killed your truck’s engine. As much as you hated demons, sometimes they were useful. And the one that appeared by your driver’s side door was just who you were looking for. He went by Trey, and he could open a door that would take you right down to where Cas was being held.

Opening your door, you said, “You know why I’m here.”

“I do,” Trey said, “And I’m under strict orders not to let you in.”

He was kidding. Right? That was a joke? You scoffed. There was no way he could be serious. Trey didn’t work for Crowley. And that’s when it hit you.  _He didn’t work for Crowley._  You got out of your truck as quickly as you could and looked the demon in the eye, “What’s her fucking name?” you demanded.

For some unknown reason, you’d had no run ins with the demon who you’d been after. All these years later, she suddenly shows up, taunts you, steals your archangel pendant and bolts.

Trey opened his mouth and then simply closed it again. He always had a soft spot for you, and not letting you into hell was hard on him. No one knew of your acquaintanceship with him, and right now, more than ever, it needed to stay that way.

“Her name is Lamina,” he said with a sigh before he began to walk down the alleyway further, towards the door to hell.

_Lamina_. That was it. That was her name. The name of the demon who took everything from you. Of course she couldn’t be your typical black-eyed bitch. It was clear to you, from the way Trey mentioned her, from the way the Winchesters were dealing with that “demon rebellion”, from the way Crowley had taken Cas - they were all signs that this Lamina was trying (and most likely succeeding) at taking over Hell.

You stood there, near your truck, almost unable to breathe. Of course you’d been determined to avenge your family, to get revenge on the piece of shit that took them from you. But this was real and it was happening now, when you’d least expected it.

Shoving away all of your pent up emotions, you made your way down the dark alley, towards an huge sigil drawn in blood on the side of a brick wall. Trey looked at you as you stood before it and said, “If anyone asks, I was never here.”

You flashed him a tight lipped smile and shot him a thumbs up as he took a knife and sliced his hand, letting his blood ooze out and cover it. He smeared it around the entirety of his hand and then placed it on the wall within the sigil, and a dark orange, almost red glow emanated from the cracks in the wall. You closed your eyes and felt a force pulling your forwards, a warm gust of wind blew through your hair, and you opened your eyes again.

It was convenient that this entryway to hell was where you needed to be. It’s where the cells for those who were still living were held, and it was likely where Cas was. Idiot fucking angel, you thought to yourself. How in the hell did he manage to get himself swooped up and stuck down here? If you remembered correctly, years ago he had rescued Dean from hell. He should be able to get out of here by himself, shouldn’t he?

You shook your head to yourself and suppressed your annoyance, remembering that  _once again_ , you were saving Cas.

You stood at the top of a staircase that led down into an old stone hallway, one that was likely as old as hell was. It was lined with cells, the bars made of some type of metal that you’d never seen before. Walking down the corridor, you glanced left and then right, but each cell was empty. This section of hell was never used much, most of its denizens being dead.

Torches lit the hallway and the whole area itself had a fiery glow as if to remind anyone who walked these halls of where they were. It felt like you walked for miles, but in reality you had probably walked only two hundred feet. At the end of the hallway, where you could turn left or right, there was a cell at the corner of where you would turn left, the bars wrapped around the corner, and as you turned your head, you rolled your eyes as they landed on one very bored looking angel who sat on a bench.

“They took your chains off, I see,” you commented cavalierly.

“What are you doing here?” he asked as he stood up from where he sat. Cas already looked annoyed when he realized it was you who was likely here to save him.

You smirked and looked at him directly in the eye and winked, “I’m here to save you of course,” you said cheerfully.

“ _Why_ ,” Castiel demanded of you.

“I could leave…” you suggested as you pointed back in the direction you came from.

With a huff, Cas backed up and sat down on the concrete bench he looked to have been spending most of his time, “If you think you can get these to open,” he motioned to the bars which you stood in front of, “be my guest.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” you said as you began to examine the cell, looking for any sign of a weak point or anything really. You realized you didn’t exactly have a plan, and when you glanced back at Cas, his eyes widened and he had opened his mouth to say something - perhaps to warn you of something.

You could feel someone standing behind you, and before you could turn around, something heavy hit the back of your head and blackness overtook you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so excited!!! Things are starting to pick up!!!! We’re learning a little more about the reader. She’s got quite the past, and this is only the tip of the iceberg. And in the next part? Something between the reader and Cas might begin to blossom. Maybe. Idk. *wink wink*
> 
> If you liked this part... leave some kind words! They keep me motivated <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now locked up with the angel you despise more than anything, the two of you are forced to face each other… and hopefully not totally rip each other to shreds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay okay you guys might hate me and/or love me for this part. I’m not sure which… I guess we’ll see. Let me know what you think! <3

“Finally,” you heard a gravelly voice say, laden with sarcasm, as your head rolled to the side. You had no idea where you were and it felt like you were laying on a cold hard surface. “Great rescue plan.” **  
**

Your head was pounding and you blinked several times, everything was beginning to come back to you. The demon in your motel room - Lamina, as you now knew her by. The pendant she’d stolen from you, your effort to rescue Cas.

That’s where you were. Hell. As your vision cleared you realized your arm was hanging off the edge of something. A bench. You looked up to see Castiel standing over you, as if you getting knocked unconscious was the greatest inconvenience he had even encountered.

“W-what?” you asked. Your head was  _pounding_. Whatever you’d been hit with was heavy, and maybe you’d also been hit with some weird demon mojo or something. You couldn’t tell, you were unable to totally focus. Bringing your hand up, you rubbed your eyes for a moment before you reached back and felt your head. How you weren’t bleeding, you didn’t know.

“Did you come here with any sort of actual plan?” Cas asked as you attempted to sit up. He was now turning to pace around the cell that you were now both locked in together. “What, you think since all you do is hunt demons, you could just…  _waltz_ into hell?” he continued, “And for what? Surely not to get  _me_  out of here.”

The sound of the angel rambling on like that was grating. As you finally sat up all the way you thought about just lying back down. You were dizzy. How long had you been out? You couldn’t hear what Cas was saying over the sound of the loud drumming in your head. In fact, all ability to hear anything besides that agonizing noise seemed to fade.

Your eyes squeezed shut, and you held your head in your hands tightly as you tried to soothe the pain, but it stubbornly persisted. Though you knew no matter how badly it hurt you needed to look for a way out of here, but you couldn’t even hold yourself up any longer. Something was wrong. Way wrong. You’d been knocked out before plenty of times. But this was different.

As you tried to clench tighter, tried to fight off the pain even more, the pounding only got louder. It hurt more. You didn’t realize you had fallen forward onto the ground until a set of large hands caught you by either arm. You were fully aware that it had to be Castiel, but you didn’t have the ability to think anything of it or care. If you weren’t so blinded by pain, you would’ve shoved him off of you.

Suddenly, the pounding worsened yet again, and your ears began ringing as well. You felt yourself moan in pain– not hear it, and your stomach felt as if it was tied in a knot that was being pulled tighter and tighter. Castiel guided you to sit down and lean against the concrete bench as you felt yourself groaning louder. Tears escaped your eyes which were still squeezed shut and then a second later, it began to fade as you realized there were two fingers pressed to your temple.

Taking a slow, shaky breath in, you opened your eyes. You were met with Cas’ face a few inches from yours, realizing he must have healed you, at least partially. If nothing else, he dulled the pain temporarily. Your hands fell to your sides and Cas looked at you with annoyed concern. Like he was angry he had to use his grace on  _you_.

You tried to stand, but realized you still felt a bit weak, so you opted for staying put as Castiel stood. “You didn’t have to do that,” you said.

“You’re welcome,” he replied, his voice sounding a bit deeper than usual. Sarcastic almost.

“How long have I– we?” you asked as Cas walked back to the corner he’d been standing in a moment ago.

“You’ve been here for almost three days,” he answered.

Not good.

You immediately began to stand up then, still in pain but feeling slightly better. There was no way you had been stuck in here for three days. Why had you been unconscious for all that time? Were you hit  _that_  hard? You didn’t dream, and it certainly didn’t feel like that much time had passed.

“Fuck,” you said, remembering Sam and Dean and that hunt you were all on. “ _Fuck_!” you repeated as you remembered that your pendant was gone and who took it.

Your hands threaded into your hair and your fingers closed around the strands tightly as if you were going to pull it right out by the roots. This was all so wrong and now you didn’t know what to do. Looking at the bars of the cell, you banged on each one and yelled, “ _Hey_!” at whoever might be listening, you searched for a weakened point and did anything you could think of.

“No one’s coming,” Cas told you, not making eye contact with you.

“No you don’t-” you began, your fists now clenched tightly at your sides, “You don’t  _understand_. That demon out there? She’s got something of mine.”

“Yeah, she’s got something of mine too,” Cas scoffed as he pulled open one of the sides of his trench coat to reveal his missing angel blade.

“Yeah well your shiny toothpick can’t end the  _world_ ,” you said with the most attitude you’d ever heard come from your own mouth.

That peaked Cas’ interest. He looked up at you, making eye contact this time as he stepped forward. He squinted, head tilting to the side as he put his hands in the pockets of his trench coat, zeroing in on you. “What are you talking about?”

You huffed, “I have… or, had this pendant.” You crossed your arms defensively in front of you, as if you didn’t think Cas should know or perhaps like he had stepped close enough to you.

“Want to elaborate?” he asked, his blue eyes still boring into you.

“You throw it in a fire, say a prayer, raise an archangel,” you said in a rushed voice. It didn’t matter what Cas knew now. You wanted out of this cell.

“ _You_  had that  _pendant_?!” Castiel nearly exploded in shock, “It was missing from heaven for  _years_  before I fell!”

You opened your mouth to defend yourself, only for Cas to continue on, “Had I known it was in  _your_  hands, I would’ve-”

“Would’ve what?” you shouted over him, “I found the god damn thing in some old lady’s house! What would you have done,  _kill_  me?!”

And just like that, the inevitable argument between yourself and the angel had begun, anger heating your voices. There was no way to describe the rage that took over you when Castiel was near you. But now you were locked in a cell with him, and you could feel that things were about to get out of hand.

“Do you know how much power that pendant holds? And you just… gave it to some  _demon_?” he said, trying not to yell, as if he was worried someone might hear him. However, you didn’t care if anyone heard. You were too pissed off and halfway thinking about clawing your way through the wall.

“I didn’t just give it away! I lost it trying to find  _you_!” you all but screamed, “And that bitch that killed my family stole it from me!”

You were breathing heavily and Castiel looked just about as pissed as you felt. Whatever he had done to heal you must’ve worked, or you forgot about any remaining pain completely. Cas had taken no time at all to respond to you, as if what he were about to say had been on his mind for a long time.

“How unfortunate,” he began, his voice getting louder, “it must be difficult for you to have the same story as nearly every other hunter ever!”

It was obvious that this was no longer about the pendant, or the situation the two of you were in. This was about your hatred towards each other. Or what you both thought was hatred. And to think - less than twelve hours ago you thought you might actually care for him in some way.

“Yeah, and  _what_ ,” you retorted as you took a step closer to him, now only a couple of steps away from him, “you think you’re so much better than me because you’re an angel right?” you clenched your fists even tighter, “A  _broken_  angel at that, you can’t even zap around anymore. You let  _Crowley_  get the upper hand on you. You’re supposed to be strong and you’re supposed to… to…”  _save_   _me_. You trailed off mid sentence, realizing what you were about to say. You let out a scream of frustration as he stared at you like you were delusional.

“Nevermind,” you said, your voice much quieter now, “I don’t know why I ever believed…” you trailed off again as you turned to your side and put a hand on your hip while rubbing your eyes with the other hand as you held back tears. It was so stupid of you to think that angels could be the answer to all of your problems.

Castiel didn’t seem to soften at all when you struggled to find the right words to say. It would’ve been more like him if he had; he wasn’t usually the type to tear someone down the way he felt the need to tear you down. But you got under his skin in a way unlike anyone else ever had and you knew it. Sam and Dean knew it too. They were both always so tense when you and Cas were anywhere near each other.

“At least I don’t run away every time the world tries to end,” he said calmly, “Any mention of something other than demons and you get up on your high horse and  _go_.” If you weren’t mistaken, that almost sounded like pain in his voice.

“Yeah and at least I haven’t slaughtered thousands of my own kind,” you deadpanned, “At least I wasn’t  _cast_   _out_  by my own family for pulling the same shit the  _devil_  pulled, turning on your own family because you wanted to do what  _you_ wanted to do.” Cas’ mouth dropped open slightly at the the words you said to him, “You call yourself an angel, but really you’re just a selfish failure who thought he could save the world.” You thought you were done then, but another insult materialized and you smirked as you added, “We both know it’s Sam and Dean who are the  _real_  heroes.”

At that, Castiel looked hurt. He broke eye contact with you and looked down at the dirty old floor that was likely as old as he was. Suddenly you felt a pang of guilt wash over you and you felt your face fall, but you quickly crossed your arms in front of yourself and stood up straight as if to not let on. Maybe you had gone too far.

You looked behind you at the bars of the cell which didn’t seem to be going anywhere unfortunately, and you wished with everything you had that they would just open. An awkward silence filled the space between you and Cas for a few moments before your head whipped back around as he said, “You are fucked up on a level that even  _I_  cannot comprehend.”

Your stomach twisted at his words. You’d never heard Cas swear much in the past and certainly never in a manner that he just had, but he wasn’t done. “You let the idea of revenge eat you up so badly, that you aren’t even aware of the kind of trouble you’re in right now.”

You turned to face him fully, still only a couple of steps away from him. His hands now rested at his sides as your brows furrowed while he continued, “Y/N, you possessed an ancient artifact that can and  _will_  likely kill us all.” Your eyes locked onto his and you watched as he spoke, now only feeling regret, “Second, just the fact that you know how to get down here, even if it is just to try and help me is disturbing. It’s obvious you’ve made friends in the wrong places.”

“I-” you began, but he cut you off.

“You claim to hate demons  _so_   _much_ , but you surround yourself with anything dark and demonic you can find,  _thinking_  it’ll help you.” Castiel looked almost apologetic, but in a way that said he just felt sorry for you, “All these years that I’ve known you, I’ve listened to your insults and remarks, I’ve watched you as you looked at me with disgust.” Your hands fell to your sides as you felt hurt but also felt rage boiling up inside you. “And I’ve never understood why.”

You chewed on the inside of your cheek, wondering what the hell to say, or if you should say anything at all. No matter how many times you had argued with the angel, neither of you had stooped as low as this. Sam and Dean were almost always there to stop it before it escalated.

It hadn’t occurred to you that you and Castiel were practically in each other’s faces at that moment, still staring each other down as if looks could kill. His blue eyes expressed pain and confusion - but also something else that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. Your body responded to him, in a way you were pretty sure that it shouldn’t. Your breathing was shallow, your chest felt tight. There was a lot of fight left in you, but you didn’t know how to express it… until suddenly you did.

“I  _hate_  you, Castiel,” you said.

His eyes widened from what almost seemed like shock when you’d said that, he had never heard you call him Cas, let alone Castiel. You had always made a point to never call him by his name. Your features had softened, your face revealing something to him that you weren’t even totally aware of, prompting him to pry at you.

“I don’t believe you,” he responded calmly in a breath. You could feel his breath fanning over your face from how closely the two of you were still standing.

Your head cocked to the side. “You’re kidding, right?”

“If you hate me  _so_   _much_ ,” he began as he seemed to look down on you a bit more, “Then why are you here?”

“I- I-” you stuttered, your hands clenching into fists at your side and then loosening again. “You’re Sam and Dean’s friend. And I care about them.”

Your heartbeat quickened as your nerves shot up in response to your bullshit answer and the angel’s proximity. Castiel saw right through you, and almost at the exact time, you saw through him.

“I don’t hate  _you_ ,” he confessed.

You weren’t quite sure what took over you in that moment. Maybe it was the nauseating way your heart beat echoed in your ears, maybe it was the way his voice filled you with an overwhelming and undeniable feeling - a feeling that was most certainly not hatred. As much as you wanted to hate Castiel, deep down you knew it wasn’t his fault that you felt the way you did. Hell, you didn’t even know what it was that you felt.

But you did know that somehow, regardless of the arguing and the bickering and the insults, you ended up pressing yourself against him and wrapping your arms around the back of his neck as you pulled him down to crash his lips into yours.

Castiel breathed you in - he was no stranger to putting his arms around you almost aggressively, even if he should’ve been. You could feel that he was still angry at you. You felt it in the way his lips moved harshly against yours, and in the way his tongue rolled against yours without so much as a thought. The heat that radiated off of him and the way his fingers now dug into your hips almost possessively caused a stifled moan to escape your throat, urging him to back you up into the bars of the cell.

You held onto the lapels of his trench coat, allowing him to press your back up into the bars, feeling the cold metal through your clothes. When his hand slid back and touched one of them, he jumped back, and down at your side, you noticed that the bars had burned him from the warding.

His face was just inches from yours then as he looked down at his hand in frustration, and then back up at you. Both of you contemplating what had just happened. Had you really just kissed Castiel? Out of anger? If you could even call it anger.

The two of you made eye contact again, unsure of what to do or say, unsure of what to think. You glanced up and to your left, noticing the small camera that you had viewed Cas from when Crowley showed you and Dean that live feed of him chained up. Before you could second guess yourself, you walked over to it, jumped a little and swung at it, knocking it down and watching as it shattered on the floor.

When you turned back around, Castiel was still standing where he was before, only this time he was watching you intently as you stalked back over to him. You didn’t really care if anyone watched, but knocking the camera down seemed like a good way to initiate what you wanted to do next.

Cas didn’t say a word as you all but flung yourself at him then, bringing your lips back to his without a second thought. One of his arms wrapped around you and the other went to the side of your head to thread into your hair as you began tugging on his tie, trying to pull him closer. Your thoughts were clouded and unclear as arousal pooled in your lower belly, but one thing was certain: you needed this angel in the most sinful way, and now.

This time, Castiel backed you up into a wall so that it  _wouldn’t_  burn him, and you let him. There was some force in his movements, and you wondered whether or not the angel had done this before. He probably had. Even you had to admit that he was a nice piece of eye candy. Your head fell back against the wall as Cas’ mouth left your own to kiss his way down to your neck, right below your jaw. Breathing in a sharp breath, you grasped onto his upper arms as one of his thighs pressed in between your legs.

His hands rested on your waist, your shirt bunching up as he gripped tighter, pulling himself closer to you. You could feel the heat between your legs spreading throughout your entire body, and before long your skin felt hot. Each brush of his skin on yours made you twitch against the wall, surrounded by Castiel’s grip.

Ensuring that his lips wouldn’t leave your neck as he kissed your skin with an open mouth and bit down just slightly, you pushed his lower half back and your hands went straight for the smooth leather of his belt. Since this wasn’t an ideal place to engage in what you were about to do; the two of you should get a move on.

Castiel allowed you to undo this belt, and then the button of his pants, followed by the zipper as he reached out to work on your jeans. You were quick about reaching a hand into his boxers and feeling him, his lips once again finding yours as you gripped his impressive size tightly. Stroking him drew a low groan from him as he began tugging downward on the waistline of your jeans and underwear, not worrying about waiting for you to take your boots off.

Mirroring what he was doing, you tugged at his pants as well as you broke off the heavy osculating so that he could spin you around. Your hands landed against the wall and you felt his hands on your hips, pulling your lower half towards him as he spread your legs as far as the strong denim of your jeans would allow.

It was just enough room for him to guide himself to your entrance from behind, and one of your hands shot around your back and grabbed onto one of his wrists as he sank into you, filling you inch by inch in every way you never knew you wanted, a pleasurable burning stretch engulfing you as you accomodated his not insignificant size.

You tried to stay quiet, but when Cas pulled back and thrusted back into you, hard, you let out a cry of pleasure. Your hand landed back on the wall and you allowed the angel to pull you against him again and again as both of you lost yourselves in the moment.

A pressure began to build up within you as you tried to hold yourself up, and soon you forgot about everything, about the situation the two of you were in, about the demons - everything. Somehow Castiel seemed to begin fucking into you even faster, and your breaths shortened as you started to come undone around him.

It was fast and unexpected, the way you totally lost control. Your hold on the wall was useless against the overwhelming pleasure wrought from the angel fucking into you, and you began to slump forward only for Cas to pull you up against him, pressing your back into his chest as your walls clenched tightly around him. Your body quaked in ecstacy and his hands roamed your body over your clothes as he quickly came undone as well.

A whimper that could’ve been your undoing left him as he spilled into you, and you reached back and held onto him for dear life as you both seemed to melt away for a moment.

And then it was over… and the anger was still there. You still felt mad at him. Pulling away from him and avoiding his gaze, you reached to pull your pants up and adjust yourself before turning to face him.

“I, um-” Castiel began to say, but you cut him off.

“Save it,” you told him as you looked up at him. He had already restored his previous state as well.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something else, you looked over his shoulder, for whatever reason, and noticed the bars on the cell.

“Uh, Cas?” you questioned as you pointed behind him and he turned to look as well.

A feeling of  _are you kidding me?_  Washed over you as you both realized the bars had slid open. Either you two had somehow done that or someone was messing with you. Either way, you saw the opportunity to get out and you took it.

Striding past the angel, you walked out of the cell and looked down the hallway in both directions, realizing it no longer looked the way it did when you had come in. It was just all one really long hallway, leading into darkness in both directions.

“Something’s happened,” Cas said as he exited the cell as well and looked around just as you were.

“Ya think?” you retorted, still trying to avoid looking at him. You weren’t sure if you regretted having sex with him or not. You didn’t  _entirely_  regret the free orgasm… but you weren’t super proud to have done it with the angel you’d gone so out of your way to hate for the last several years.

“You don’t have anyway to get us out of here do you?” you asked.

“No,” he answered plainly.

You took a good look in both directions, one of them seeming just as endless as the other before you sighed. “Looks we’re takin’ a walk, feathers.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Castiel do another one of his full body eye rolls as before he said, “Do you know how old that’s getting?”

“Nope!” You grinned as you finally looked up at him. “Don’t care either. Let’s go.”

And with that, you turned and began to walk, hearing Cas’ footsteps behind you. You continued to wonder what your time together in that cell meant… You  _didn’t_  hate Cas. You knew that for sure now. You were also sure that you couldn’t admit that to him.

You could feel yourself getting worked up about it again as you continued on down the long, endless hallway, unable to understand why you were getting worked up about it.

“This would be a lot more fun if you had wings, you know,” you commented.

“Yeah, well, you and I seem to have different definitions of the word ‘fun,’” he retorted.

As you continued to walk, you smirked and turned your head to the side. “What we did back there was fun,” you admitted. That was safe to admit, right? Because sex didn’t have anything to do with feelings?

“Yes. It was,” Castiel agreed with an obvious smile in his voice.Those were the last words said between you and the angel for awhile after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhh what do you guys think that quickie back there meant? *sigh*. Let me tell ya. This reader is a tough cookie. Like this chapter? Give some kudos and leave some kind words! It’s what keeps me motivated and I’d love to hear what you think! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meeting with Crowley sets in motion something you never thought you’d have the opportunity to do.

After showing Castiel that there was a flashlight on his phone, the hallway the two of you had been walking down for the last hour didn’t seem quite so dark. It was just about as freaky as you’d expect hell to be - there were faint cries of agony as poor wretched souls were tortured, creepy snake-like rattling noises, disembodied whispers, and more. When Cas would shine his light on the walls, the occasional blood splatter or carving would appear. There were no more cells, and you wondered a hundred times if the two of you should just turn back.

There was no telling what was going on. You’d never seen hell like this before and neither had Castiel. Someone was definitely tricking the two of you, and neither of you had said a word besides when you needed the flashlight on his phone.

You hadn’t given any thought to the temperature of this seemingly endless hallway, but you did notice now that it was starting to get cold. It was cold enough that you could feel the cool air through your leather jacket. Castiel was walking in front of you and you were a few paces behind. Had the light been shining more in your direction, you would’ve seen your breath.

“It’s cold,” you said, figuring that Cas probably didn’t notice.

“There’s been a significant temperature drop,” Cas acknowledged as you both kept walking.

You rolled your eyes and ignored the urge to address him as Captain Obvious. “What do you think it means?” you asked instead.

“I’m not sure,” he answered, and then abruptly stopped without warning. You weren’t looking at him so you walked straight into him.  _Fuck_ , what was he? A brick wall?

“A little warning Ca-”

“ _Sh-_ ” he cut you off, “We’re not alone.”

Cas didn’t move and he held his free hand out in front of you protectively, earning another eye roll from you which went unnoticed. You didn’t need protecting.

The hair on the back of your neck stood and goosebumps broke out across your body as you stood there. Your nerves started acting up, something about this made you feel a bit fearful, and you found yourself now clutching onto the sleeve of Cas’ trenchcoat, which he didn’t seem to mind. He’d only glanced down at you slightly.

“Look at you two, not ripping each other’s heads off.”

You spun around, letting go of Cas as he did the same, his flashlight now shining in Crowley’s face.

“Come  _on_ ,” you complained upon realizing who it was, “What now?”

“Don’t sound so annoyed, Y/N, you’re starting to get frown lines,” the demon said as he held a hand in front of his face, “And get that bloody light out of my face!”

“Can we leave please?” you asked.

“Crowley, what’s this all about?” Castiel added.

“It’s about that bitch this one had a run in with the other day,” Crowley began, pointing to you as he spoke, “She’s running me out of my own kingdom, and you do not want her running this place!”

“What’s so dangerous about her?” Cas asked, the light from his phone now pointed more towards Crowley’s mid section and you could just barely make out the features of his face. Crowley was very obviously annoyed to have to explain anything to you and Cas, but he seemed to need help. He knew if he wanted help, he’d have to do some explaining.

“Lamina’s been around since the the knights of hell,” Crowley said with a sigh as he looked around in the dark hallway, as if he was worried someone might hear him. “She’s a nasty piece of work. Eats children.”

Your heart felt as if it had stopped. You knew exactly what Lamina did. All too well, in fact. It felt like you somehow got smaller, and you hoped no one noticed how you sort of shrank back behind Cas.

“So she’s just a demon,” Castiel suggested, glancing back at you but not looking you in the eye.

“A very  _powerful_  one,” Crowley confirmed. “To put it lightly, she wouldn’t need an angel blade to end you.”

You looked up at Cas then, your eyes on the back of his head. Then you looked at Crowley, kind of at a loss for words at the moment - you hadn’t expected finding this demon would affect you in this way. You pushed your feelings aside as best as you could. “Why did you lead us all the way… uh, wherever we are?” you asked.

“I’m being run out of hell. Needed to get you two lovebirds somewhere we wouldn’t be spotted.” Crowley said.

“We’re not-” you began to protest.

“Are you kidding? Who do you think unlocked your jail cell?” Crowley looked between you and the angel with a smirk on his face.

Rolling your eyes and pushing your feelings about Lamina down even further, you asked, “So, what do we have to do with Lamina anyway?”

“Right. Well, you don’t want her to run hell, you  _do not_  want that. As I said,” Crowley reiterated, “the whore plans on busting Lucifer out of his cage.”

Cue another sinking feeling in your stomach.

“And you want help,” Cas added.

“We’ve established this,” Crowley said.

You wanted this bitch dead. You’d been after her for the better part of your life. And of course she couldn’t just be a regular demon. She had to be a powerful, child chomping skank that wanted to bust Lucifer out of his cage. And now she was a powerful, child chomping skank with the weapon she needed to do just what she wanted. Cas had turned and looked at you, knowing about the pendant and seeming annoyed with you once again. You looked up at the angel, unsure if what you felt in that split second you had looked into those blue eyes was longing or just exhaustion, but it was something.

Then you looked back at Crowley, “And what makes you think we wanna help?”

The demon looked between you and Cas again as you stepped forward to stand next to Cas, trying to seem more intimidating or something. Not that it would work. You and Castiel were both weaponless and everything  _but_  intimidating at the moment.

“How’d you like your soul deal torn to shreds?” Crowley suggested.

Cas’ head quickly turned to his side to look down at you. “What’s he talking about?” he asked sharply.

You however, kept your skeptical gaze on the king of hell. You didn’t believe him one bit. “You’re lying, there’s no take-backs on those,” you retorted.

“ _Hello_ , King of  _Hell?_ Former king of the crossroads? I can undo whatever soul deal I like,” he said in his most charming voice.

It was something you considered without a second thought. Selling your soul was one of your biggest regrets. It was also one of your darkest secrets, and now Cas knew about it. You knew he’d want an explanation. Probably as soon as the two of you got out of there.

“If we help kill her, you’ll rip up the contract?” you asked, still in disbelief.

“Before she finds a way to unleash the devil preferably, but yes,” Crowley agreed, “I’ll even let you do the honors.”  

“Y/N,” Cas began, and you looked up at him, but ignored his plea for you to explain what the hell Crowley was talking about and why the hell you had sold your soul. He also seemed to be struggling not to mention the pendant.

“Okay so,” you began, “how do we beat her?”

“Good question,” Crowley said, “Anyway, that’s all the time I have for now. I’ll be in touch.” He snapped his fingers, and you and Cas were suddenly in the alley near your truck. Both of you left with frustration and more questions.

Castiel turned to you, and you just stood there, silent, looking down at the ground.

“What was he talking about?” Cas asked. “When did you sell your soul?  _Why_  did you sell your soul?”

“That’s not important,” you said nervously. But he couldn’t know the truth. He said he didn’t hate you back in that cell, but if he knew why you’d sold your soul, he would.

“Of course it’s important,” Cas said, seemingly becoming more frustrated, “it involves your life.”

“Well thanks for the concern, hot wings,” you sassed, “but it really doesn’t matter. Especially if we find Lamina and kill her.”

You turned to walk back to your truck, expecting Castiel to stand there and let you go, or maybe he’d follow you, or ask for a ride. What you didn’t expect was for him to reach out and grab your wrist. You looked down at his hand, debating whether or not you should break from his grip, although it was soft. You looked up into his eyes and saw nothing but concern - which you weren’t fond of. In fact, it was making you angry.

“It matters because  _you_  matter,” Cas insisted, “Will you please just tell me?”

Castiel let you pull your hand back, or rather, snatch it back. Your blood was boiling. How dare he worry about why you sold your soul? Why should he care about your well being? He shouldn’t. Cas had no business caring for you.

“You do realize that what we did back there meant  _nothing_ , right?” you snapped, saying it without even thinking about it.

Cas looked slightly speechless. Either what you’d said was that out of left field or he actually thought the sex meant something.

“Look,” you said, composing yourself. You realized your hands had been balled into fists and you were tense all over. You took a second to close your eyes and relax your shoulders before continuing, “we should find Sam and Dean. I have a feeling this whole thing could get out of hand easily. Especially since  _Crowley_  asked for our help.”

Cas sighed, “I’ll call them,” then made eye contact with you. “I don’t suppose you would mind…” he trailed off, gesturing to your truck. He wanted a ride, which you’d expected.

“Yeah yeah, get in,” you said grumpily before turning and walking towards your vehicle.

The single cab 1990 Ford F150 had served as your home for nearly three years. It was loud as shit when you started it up and it guzzled gas like you wouldn’t believe (though you were pretty sure it didn’t go through as much gas as the Impala did), but it was yours. And typically, you didn’t give people rides. Especially not angels.

You were already comfortably seated in your driver’s seat as Cas opened the passenger side door and slid in, the look on his face an unhappy one when his feet crunched down onto empty fast food bags and empty cans of soda. You were pretty sure he would’ve made some sort of remark if he hadn’t been on the phone with Dean.

Checking your own phone before you got out of there, you’d noticed a series for texts from Sam and Dean.

**Sam:**  What the hell, Y/N? An archangel pendant?

**Sam:**  Are you okay? Did you get Cas?

**Dean:** You and Cas run off together?

**Sam:**  Haven’t heard from Crowley, these demons in town were working for someone named Lamina. Call ASAP

**Dean:**  Kinda worried about you kiddo, pick up the phone

The texts were accompanied with several missed calls, no voicemails- you were well known for your hatred of voicemail. Sam and Dean both knew if they’d left any, they’d get ignored anyhow. You half listened in on the side of the conversation Castiel was participating in as you slid your key into the ignition of your truck and turned it. The aging engine protested for a couple of seconds from sitting in this alley for a few days, but she finally roared to life, and you felt your face light up as you rubbed the steering wheel lovingly.

“Yes. Something about a soul deal,” Cas said and your head whipped to the side. Why the fuck was he telling Sam and Dean about that?

“ _Hey_!” you shouted and reached over an grabbed the phone right out of Cas’ hand before you held it up to your ear. “Where are you guys?!” You didn’t know which brother you were talking to, but it didn’t matter.

“Uh, we’ll meet you at the bunker,” you heard Dean say, “and you’re telling us about that damn soul deal!”

“Not a chance,” you quipped as you ended the call. You tossed Cas’ phone back at him and he looked at you with aggravation, worry, and something else you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

You huffed and turned your attention back to your truck as you pulled out of the alley.

“Where are we, anyway?” Castiel asked you.

“Arizona,” you said, “So get comfy.” It was roughly a seventeen hour drive back to the bunker, and you sighed as you thought about what a long drive this was going to be. Your left hand drifted over to roll the driver’s window down, because you’d be damned if you couldn’t get some fresh air while being stuck with Cas for this drive.

“Sounds like we have plenty of time for you to tell me about your demon deal,” Cas said as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“No, Cas,” you said calmly, trying not to lose your cool again.

“And why not? Why does it matter if Crowley undoes it anyway?” he pressed.

“Exactly,” you agreed, “So no need for you or Sam or Dean to worry about it.”

You could feel Cas looking at you. There was something about him - you could never figure out what it was, but when he was looking at you, you knew it. Every time.

“What is it?” you asked, still trying your hardest not to sound rude. The last thing you and Cas needed to do on this drive was fight.

He smiled slightly as you looked at him. “You called me Cas.”

“Shit, sorry,” you said, surprising yourself with sarcasm, “I meant tweety bird.”

Castiel squinted at you while you glanced between him and the road. You were almost to the highway, and you grinned when he deadpanned, “That’s worse than feathers.”

And god, his voice. You didn’t even know what it was. But sometimes, when he said certain things, you found yourself shifting in your seat and looking away awkwardly. You could feel your cheeks burning and you couldn’t hold back a smile. Up until now, you always hid your smile around him, but today, you didn’t.

“So,” you said, clearing your throat and also trying to clear your mind, “how do you think we can take out Lamina?”

“I don’t know,” Cas answered honestly, “Angel blade? The demon knife? She doesn’t sound like a normal demon. Crowley mentioned she eats children?”

You swallowed thickly. You didn’t want to talk about that. You couldn’t. There was no way. Your grip on your steering wheel tightened and you let out a shaky breath before you realized Cas was looking at you.

“Y/N, are you alright?” Cas asked. The answer was no, you weren’t. How could you be? With everything that had happened to you, everything that was happening now - you were far from okay.

“Why do you care?” you asked. “I mean, just a few hours ago you were dragging me down. I mean, I was dragging you down too but… You shouldn’t care about how I feel.” It all came out quickly, your voice slightly shaky. You felt the need to insult Cas - to shut him out. Just like you shut everyone else out.

You pulled your hair over your shoulder as if to shield yourself from the angel, but you knew that he could see through you. But you couldn’t look at him again. You could not. Not with his eyes as blue as the sea and that look on his face that told you he cared when he shouldn’t. You didn’t deserve any of it. You weren’t important like he was implying.

“I’ve always cared,” Cas admitted. “You’ve just… made it difficult to over the years.”

“Yeah, well,” you laughed nervously, “I do that.”

Cas didn’t press you any further than he already had. But it was as plain as day, you could tell he wanted to know about you, about how you came into this life. You knew that your pain was obvious; you were shit at hiding your feelings. Revenge was practically tattooed across your forehead. But no one knew anything about you. Sam and Dean knew you’d run away from foster care when you were sixteen and that a demon was the reason you were a hunter, but that was it.

Hell, you didn’t even know about yourself. You’d done some shady shit over the last decade and if the boys and Cas knew what you’d done, the soul deal would come as no surprise to them. Not one bit. It might’ve been considered to be one of your darkest secrets, but that was just it. It was only one of them.

But if there was one thing you knew for sure, it was that your secrets were going to stay a secret.

-

Tired and becoming grouchier with each passing minute, you were still driving, and Cas was still in the passenger seat, staring out at the road ahead of the two of you, as if he was deep in thought. Two hours ago, you had stopped for gas and something to eat. It was nearly sunrise now, and there was nothing more you wanted than a nap.

The last few hours of this trip were mostly dark back roads, and that was not helping. At all. If you’d been on your own, you probably would’ve stopped at a motel to get some rest, but there was just something about being with Cas that wouldn’t let you do that. It almost felt like you needing to stop was a sign of weakness.

But as you drifted over into the far side of the road, and felt Cas grab at the steering wheel. With his hand over yours, he looked at you and said, “Let me drive.”

Suddenly, you felt more awake than you had in hours. “No way. This is my truck,” you protested.

“And you keep falling asleep while driving,” he said as you slowed down a bit. His hand was still on yours, which quite honestly sent a jolt of electricity through you.

“Can’t you just like… make me not tired with your angel juice?” you asked. And you realized his hand on yours was making your brain a big mess that made forming words one of the hardest thing you ever had to do.

Cas just gave you a look, “Y/N, pull over.”

Something inside of you told you to do what he said, so without any further complaints, you did. When his hand fell away from yours, you felt cold.

“Be careful,” you warned, an unsaid ‘or else’ floating in the air between you.

“Of course,” Cas agreed. As you set the truck in park, you looked over at him. It was completely dark except for the lights on your trucks radio and dashboard, and aside from the sound of the engine, it was quiet. The two of you were totally alone, and though you’d been alone with him for the better part of the day, it was almost as if you had just realized it.

Castiel’s shadowy features made it hard for you to keep up your hard-ass front. The way he looked at you with eyes that made you want to do nothing but tell him the truth, the way his hand had felt on yours a moment ago. Warm, soft, full of concern for your well being. It made your heart soar and it made you almost… want him again.

You thought perhaps he was thinking the same thing about you. Did he want  _you_ again? The more you thought about it, the sillier it sounded. You had told him that it meant nothing. That ship had probably already sailed. It was a one time thing, there were no take backs, no do overs, nothing.

Cas made to get out of the truck to switch seats with you, and you sat there for another second as he walked around.  _Dammit_. That could’ve been an opportunity. Or maybe your overtired brain was just making things up.

You closed your eyes for a moment to beat yourself up even more when your door unexpectedly opened. You thought that Cas would just wait for you to get out but apparently not. Your eyes opened and as you swung your legs over the side of your seat to get out, Cas didn’t move out of the way.

As you looked into each other’s eyes, your lips parted slightly as you tried to find the air that had been involuntarily taken from you, leaving you breathless as Cas’ hand rested on your thigh. Was he moving closer? Or were you? You didn’t know. But your hand found the lapel of his trench coat and gripped tight; not pulling him in, not pushing him away. You found just being this close to him made you feel warm, and safe. The way he looked at you made you feel at home.

And in that moment,  _just_  for that moment, you let yourself go. It felt as if you were floating towards him as you leaned in, and you melted as his other hand came up to rest on the side of your face. Your eyes shut and then you felt his lips brush against yours. He was intoxicating, and it was completely unfair. The way he was making you feel, the way you seemed to be making him feel… it was something you’d never imagined would happen. Especially not to you.

You were certain your heart stopped beating the very moment that his lips pressed into yours, but then he pulled back abruptly, and then you opened your eyes again just in time to hear his protesting shout as a bright light all but blinded you and tore the angel from your arms quite literally. Then he was gone.

Before you could move, a familiar and sickening face stepped into your view.

“Hey there, doll face,” Lamina said as you jumped from your truck to stand, “heard you’re workin’ for Crowley… and I can’t have that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT CLIFFHANGER THOUGH!!!! Hahaha. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!!! I'd love it if you left some feedback! It's what keeps me going <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You reflect on your past. Then, weaponless against Lamina, you’re forced to fight the old fashioned way; only it doesn’t work out so great for you.

Flames. Red hot, blazing flames. They clouded your mind when you thought of this demon. They were both an emotion and a memory. Some people say you can block out trauma, that your brain can make itself forget- and  _god_ , you wished that you could forget.

Some days were easier than others. A lot of days you buried yourself in hunting demons and trying to track down the only one you had your sights set on. The problem was, you had no idea who or even what you were looking for. You had a memory of a small framed woman, and black eyes. An evil laugh and cries of pleasure as she took everything for you. You remembered being frozen in place, unsure of what to do. You remembered screaming for help, only for it not to come. You remembered wondering why it was  _your_  family, why didn’t she take  _you_  too?

You were okay with the fact that you might not ever know why. You’d accepted it a long, long time ago. The only thing you were out for was revenge. You had imagined it many times. The way you planned on trapping her and torturing her in every way imaginable. You dreamt of slicing off her skin and pouring salt on her wounds. You imagined weighing her down in a tank of holy water.

The only problem with finding her was that you didn’t know her name, you didn’t know anything specific about her, or what her plans were. Over the course of ten years, a demon can become difficult to track.

Which is why selling your soul can be beneficial.

The demon you spoke to one rainy night in a fit of grief that never seemed to go away, mixed with a few too many shots of some way too cheap whiskey, you did what you’d never thought you would do. That night, you sealed the deal with a kiss; a guarantee of coming into possession of something that would draw out the demon you sought was bought in exchange for three years of life and the promise of your soul’s eternal damnation.

At first, you didn’t know what that something was. But then the demon vanished, and a house off in the distance burned bright against the black, starless sky. It wasn’t a large house. If you were being quite honest, it was more of a shack. No one could live there, but your instincts told you to go. To run. And so you did. You ran through a field and did your best to avoid tripping and falling along the way.

The crackling of the old wood was loud, the heat was what you imagined hell to be, and the smoke drifted high above as you approached. There was no way you could enter. But on the ground, in front of the porch steps which were almost too engulfed in flames for you to touch, there sat an object which reflected brightly against the flames. You were quick about grabbing it as the building creaked and collapsed in on itself while it burned away to nothing.

Later, you would discover the power of this object you found– the archangel pendant. The object that the demon you’d dealt with promised would draw out the one you planned to kill.

More than two years passed before you  _finally_  came face to face with Lamina. You had begun to wonder if your time would run out before she came around. As anyone would be, you’d been terrified of dying, of going to hell to be ripped to shreds and tortured for all eternity.

But now you had an opportunity. You had a chance. The perfect chance. There was only one problem, and that was you had no idea what would kill her- and it was obvious that she knew how to get out of a devil’s trap.

You were running out of time too; you had less than a year left. So the work needed to be done  _now_. And if you got it done soon enough, you could probably avoid telling everyone about your soul deal.

But for now, you had to deal with what you had in front of you, which was Lamina herself, who had just shown up and blasted Cas away.

Getting the upper hand in that moment was the one and only way you had to survive. You still didn’t have an angel blade, and you had no time to get any sort of weapon. You needed to act now, and so you did.

You were on the ground in the middle of the road, near the angel banishing symbol Lamina had drawn in her own blood. You were straddling her, pinning her in place with all of your strength as you punched her in the face repeatedly.

Cas was gone, and there was no telling where he was or if he would even be close enough to get back to you in time to help.

“God  _damn_!” you screamed as you drew your fist back to punch again, “Mother fucker!  _Will you just die?!_ ”

Your hand was close to breaking, pain shot through your fist and up your arm as you pummeled her. Lamina fought to get the upper hand but you wouldn’t let her. You couldn’t let her. Your left hand gripped onto her wrist as you drew back again, and that was your mistake. You caught a glimpse of your archangel pendant which hung around her neck, and you froze for a split second.

The demon took the brief moment to spit blood in your face, causing you to flinch back and allowing her to send you flying back into the side of your truck. Pain thundered through your body and you felt your shoulder dislocate as your vision went white for a moment. You fell to the ground in agony as you tried pulling yourself together as best as you could.

You heaved yourself up onto your hands and knees, and you cringed as the pain resembled that of what you felt in hell, when you’d woke up from being knocked unconscious.

“I know what you did, you little bitch.” Lamina snapped as you looked up at her. She raised her hand and closed her fist tightly, causing another sharp pain to quake throughout your abdomen. You cried out and crumpled back to the ground, feeling like you might just throw up everywhere.

“You think  _you_  can outsmart  _me_?” she said as she walked towards you slowly, keeping her fist clenched so that you’d stay down, “You think your little soul deal and your little guardian angel can  _help you_  bring  _me_  down?” Lamina was pissed and she had no problem showing it.

You rolled onto your back from where you laid on the ground and looked up at her. The sun was beginning to rise behind her and made her glow in a way that caused your vision to go blurry. But that was probably from the injuries you were currently sustaining.

“Do you know how many families I killed? Not just yours, cupcake,” she went on, practically screaming about it, “Yet, you’re the  _only_  one that’s given me this much trouble.”

“G-go to he-” you began to choke out, but Lamina clenched her fist tighter and another twisting turning pain tied your stomach up, and you turned your head just in time to throw up on the ground next to you, instead of all over yourself.

“This is your one and only chance you little bitch,” she seethed. “Make plans to come after me again and I’ll kill you, the Winchesters,  _and_  the angel.”

When you thought she was done, she wasn’t. She stepped over you, placing one foot on either side of your hips as she reached down with her free hand and picked you up by the front of your shirt. She spit more blood from her split lip in your face as she began to draw back and punch you as you had done to her, but harder. In the jaw, on the nose, your eyes, your neck. You could feel your skin bruising and breaking and blood running down your face. You could feel one of your eyes begin to swell shut and another wave of nausea as you weakly tried to pry her hand off of your shirt with what you were now completely certain was a broken hand.

Your breathing was shallow and you were nearing unconsciousness when it  _finally_ stopped. You fell to the ground hard and groaned as you struggled to breath. You sobbed as you tried your damndest to get up, thankful for the fact that at least the twisting torture she’d done with her demon powers had vanished with her. If you died right then, you wouldn’t have complained.

Your truck was still running, the driver’s door was still open. Blood and vomit covered the patch of road where everything had just taken place. No one would be coming. Empty fields stretched in both directions for miles. You wanted to close your eyes and give up just then, you wanted it to be over. The idea of revenge had beaten you up and worn you out for so long, you almost didn’t see the point anymore.

The death of Lamina wouldn’t bring your family back. It wouldn’t bring your baby brother back. Your face scrunched up as your stomach twisted from the feeling of grief as a loud sob escaped your throat. Baby Cody, your poor, defenseless little brother who you couldn’t save. Who’s screams of agony still haunted you in your dreams. Who fueled your fire for revenge for the last ten years. He wouldn’t be coming back. You’d never see him again. No matter how dead Lamina got. He hadn’t even been a year old, and his life had been taken from him as if it were nothing.

You forced yourself to sit up as you kept weeping. You tried to find yourself in this impossible situation; you tried to figure out what to do. Standing up, legs wobbly, you somehow managed to wiggle uncomfortably out of your leather jacket as the early summer sun rose higher in the sky and warmed the air around you. You got into your truck and turned off the engine. There was no way you could go anywhere right now. Absolutely no way.

You leaned your head back onto the head rest and let yourself cry pathetically, a beaten, bloody mess on the side of the road. Alone and defeated. How were you supposed to kill her? Why did you even bother? She’d said you were the only one that had given her any trouble. Maybe that was your clue. Maybe you should just stop and live your last few months to the fullest before getting ripped to shreds by hell hounds.

Your phone rang and you had half the mind to ignore it as you wept, but when you glanced at it and saw that it was Cas, you answered anyway.

“C-Cas?” you breathed out tiredly.

“Y/N, are you alright?” he said in a panicked voice.

“No,” you answered honestly, “I-I need help.” You’d look back on that moment and kick yourself for crying to Cas about needing help. Even in your current state you felt the need to be tough around him.

You coughed as Cas spoke, “I’ll call Sam and Dean and tell them where you are. I don’t know where I’m at yet, I’ll get to you as soon as I can.”

After coughing, all you could muster up was a weak ‘uh-huh’ as you felt your body sliding down. You were passing out and there was no stopping it. 

“Y/N?!” Cas demanded a response from you, but you had none to give. You only sobbed silently in pain as the world around you faded to black.

-

You came to slowly. At first, you heard quiet voices fading in and out. You felt a cool rag on your head, and then your head started pounding as your body forced itself back into unconsciousness. You’d had no idea how long you were out for.

Then, a warm, bright and welcoming light filled your senses, even as you were still asleep. On some level, you felt all of your injuries fade away, and then you drifted into a peaceful sleep. But all the while, you felt the presence of what had healed you nearby. It never left, comforting you as you remained unconscious.

When you finally woke, you blinked slowly as things came into focus. You smelled the familiar scent of the bunker, felt the memory foam mattress below you. You were laying on your side, facing the empty space in the bed. You felt tired, damn tired, but rested. Taking in a deep breath, you rolled over, finding the angel that you hadn’t seen since you were last conscious. The angel whose lips were pressed against yours just before he was ripped from your arms.

Castiel sat in a chair pulled up to the bed. His elbows rested on his knees and his chin rested in his hands. He made eye contact with you and just the sight of those blue eyes seemed to give you energy.

“Hey,” you said with a hoarse voice.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as he shifted to sit at the edge of his seat.

“Better,” you replied, offering a small smile as you looked at him. It almost felt as if you were seeing him in a new light for the first time. Castiel felt like comfort, warmth, and… home. And you weren’t even touching him.

And it scared the hell out of you.

“Well, you should rest, but you will be alright,” Cas said, breaking eye contact with you to look at the floor as if he were nervous. 

“How long was I-?”

“Thirteen hours, forty-two minutes and fifty three seconds,” Cas said, cutting you off before you were even able to finish your question.

_Holy shit._  Your heart. It fluttered in a way that took your breath away and left you looking at him longingly. If Castiel had held eye contact with you, you would’ve been embarrassed. If you were being honest with yourself, you just wanted to jump up and climb into his lap and be in his arms. It was a feeling like no other, and a feeling you had never felt for anyone else, ever. The way you wanted to reach out for Castiel, the way you wanted to kiss him- the way you wanted him to kiss you. The way you suddenly wanted to learn everything and anything about him, it made you feel like you were on cloud nine. You were certain that if you could  _be with him_  again you would just fall apart in his arms. The pleasure you would feel, not only in the physical sense but in the mental and emotional senses as well, it almost scared you.

Your heart clenched and your stomach turned as you looked at this beautiful man who wasn’t even a man at all, but an angel. The species you had hated for so long almost just as much as you’d hated demons. But here you were, with an unrecognizable feeling of complete euphoric sense of… you didn’t even know what. But it felt good, and scary, and new, and unlike anything else.

But then thoughts of Lamina, and killing her, and your soul deal crept back into your mind. And suddenly, tears pricked your eyes. You didn’t have the luxury of having feelings for someone. There wasn’t time. And what if you let yourself fall for this angel, and he fell for you as well? How would he feel when you had to leave? You felt your lip quiver as tears began to spill from your eyes. You cried silently, as if not to bring attention to your current state of heartbreak.

It wasn’t until you mistakenly sniffed that Cas glanced your way. That’s when you quickly wiped your tears as if to cover it up, but it was too late, he was already moving closer to you and kneeling down next to the bed, getting  _close_.

“What’s wrong? Are you still in pain?” he asked, his tones laced with concern and something… warm that you couldn’t identify, but so wonderfully, heartbreakingly  _warm_.

You closed your eyes as you forced a smile. You wanted to tell him what you felt, and how you felt, and you wanted to lean in and kiss him. But even with him close enough so that his breath was fanning your face, you just laid there, unable to move. “It’s… it’s nothing,” you assured him.

You didn’t open your eyes until you felt his hand cupping your face. It was a small touch, a simple one. Cas brushed back stray strands of hair behind your ear and just looked at you, taking in your features while he was close. In that moment, you felt his feelings for you. You knew for sure that they were there, and that what was most terrifying at all. What would an angel who has feelings for you do? What lengths would he go to?

“I’d very much like to kiss you,” he said with a low voice.

How could you refuse? What would it say about you and your own feelings if you rejected him? If you pushed him away? He was already so close, and waiting; wanting you. Castiel’s eyes were dilated as he practically ate up the features in front of him.

Nodding, you leaned in, keeping your gaze on him, on those sapphire eyes which could very well kill you. He leaned in at the same time, never breaking eye contact once, not until your nose brushed past his, then your eyes fluttered shut. You breathed in sharply but quietly, as your hand came out to rest on his shoulder.

A knock on the door stopped you both dead in your tracks, and before you could say or do anything, Cas had pulled away and stood. You half sat up in time to see the door opening, as Sam leaned in.

“Hey!” he said excitedly, “You’re up!”

“Hey, Sam,” you greeted as you sat up all the way, crossing your legs under yourself.

“Dean left to grab you some food, my guess is that you’re hungry,” Sam said as he stood there, looking at you and then at Cas. He must’ve felt that there had been something happening between you and Cas.

“Awesome,” you said, “Sam, I-”

“Look,” he interrupted, “We’ll figure it out, okay? We always find a way, and your soul deal, whatever it is will be done when he get rid of Lamina.”

_Except for the fact that we’re sort of on a time crunch,_  you wanted to add, referring to both the soul deal and the archangel pendant. Instead you nodded, and looked between Sam and Cas, sort of unsure of what to say.

“I would still like to know what the deal was,” Cas added, and then you looked back at Sam, who stood with his eyebrows raised. He wanted to know too. You couldn’t hide this forever.

“I-I, I’m tired. Um, later?” you suggested nervously.

“Sure,” Sam agreed, sort of reluctantly, but nonetheless agreed, and then offered you a smile. “Dean should be back soon,” he said before leaving the room awkwardly. There was obviously… something that had been happening between you and Cas when he walked in and he wanted out of the situation as quickly as possible.

Then again, he could’ve just been thrown off because you and Cas weren’t fighting. You had no idea how much he had told Sam and Dean.

“How much time?” Cas asked.

“What?” you looked up at him.

“I just want to know how much time you have,” he said.

No. You couldn’t tell him. There was no way you could tell him any of it. If he knew why you’d done it, he’d hate you- not that you didn’t deserve it. And if he knew how much time you actually had left? That was no good either.

“Trust me, Cas,” you held his gaze as you spoke, “none of it matters. As long as we get Lamina before…” you trailed off, looking down at the bed, “before she decides to spring Lucifer.”

“Then promise me something,” he said as you looked up again. Cas’ face was filled with something you didn’t quite recognize. Maybe it was longing, worry, “Promise that you will tell me. If not Sam or Dean, me. Please.”

You saw that he swallowed thickly and looked at you with bright, imploring eyes as you wondered what to do next. Could you promise him? You wanted to,  _God_ , you wanted to. He’d all but admitted his feelings for you right then and there, it was the least you could do, right? But it made you feel vulnerable around him. It was still so uncertain if you could handle that right now- the vulnerability. Your best guess? No. You couldn’t.

“Yeah, okay,” you agreed reluctantly, “Just… give me some time, okay?”  _Because you’ll hate me once you know the truth_. You closed your eyes for a moment as you sat there, and you felt his hand rest on your arm for a moment.

“Okay,” you heard, and the pure, devoted acceptance in his voice floored you. Trust and… and that warm tone again, was there in his voice.

You were at a complete loss as to what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. That’s a lot of info. Will the reader friggin’ tell someone about her deal?!?!?! And how about that fight huh? Pretty intense. Also, why could the reader feel Cas’ presence while she was unconscious after he healed her??? Hmm?? That’s somethin’ to think about…….. Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, leave some kind words! It’s what keeps me able to write this story. <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As time passes, you're nearing your death date. The setback? Depression is setting in. You're losing hope. You don't care as much anymore. But something Castiel says to you turns it all around... or at least you hope it does.

You had questioned Lamina’s motives many times. Wondering what she had plans for, and why she needed to raise Lucifer to turn her pipe dreams into reality. 

 

She was powerful. And her power only grew with every life she consumed.

 

It was no surprise that she took her time; she wanted to go unnoticed in the world. Lamina didn’t need there to be any sort of trace on her. Her plans were more important, even if no one knew exactly what they were. Humans thinking that there was some sort of cruel serial killer on the loose and hunters everywhere knowing her habits would only make things more difficult for her. 

 

It had been… months. Months since you’d last had a run in with the demon, months since you’d had any sort of lead. And the only thing that all this time had done to you is make you a total emotional wreck. 

 

The leaves had all fallen off of the trees as the cool fall weather set in, reminding you of just how much you  _ hadn’t _ accomplished. 

 

Sam had taken on the research that never seemed to end. Trying to find a way to track Lamina. Trying to find out more about the archangel pendant. Trying to find a way to kill her. If she was as old as Crowley said she was, the research was unavoidable. Did you mention that it was never ending?

 

Dean grew tired of the research as he often does, and once case after case began piling up, he’d had enough and taken to hunting again - sometimes alone, sometimes with Sam in tow. He always asked if you wanted to tag along, but recently, the answer remained no. 

 

Castiel had been gone most of the time, searching for Lamina. He was hellbent on it. Cas stopped by every once in awhile to see if you were still alive and how Sam and Dean were doing before leaving again. He hadn’t come up with much on Lamina either. 

 

As for you, you spent your days mostly at the bunker, so much that you even began to call it home. You stayed there to stay safe, as you were trying to avoid your inevitable death via hellhounds. You had good reason to believe that since Lamina had been taking charge over hell, that she might send them after you early. 

 

Needless to say, you were frustrated, lonely, and starting to run on fumes. 

 

Being lonely was new to you. You’d been perfectly fine on your own for years. The empty feeling of loneliness was something that had never even been on your radar. You chalked it up to what you now considered to be a small bout of weakness when it came to Castiel. He always had a way of getting under your skin, but since all that stuff happened with him those few months ago, you couldn’t get away from it. 

 

Things with the angel had stopped going in the direction that they were going. Long story short, you could only see the bad that could come from any type of relationship between the two of you. It was just too dangerous. People in this line of work don’t typically get to have any type of relationship or friendship with someone else, and you were a firm believer in that idea. It never worked out for anyone. You’d seen it for yourself, first with Sam, and then Dean. 

 

Everything was hard. Finding Lamina and the pendant, hating yourself for worrying about Castiel while he was gone (you had switched back to your cold hearted bitch persona when he was around, not to mention he ignored you now as well). No matter how many times Sam and Dean assured you that helping you with this whole ordeal was no big deal to them, you couldn’t help but feel terrible. It was your fault that Lamina had become such a threat in the first place. Right?

 

And now, you had Crowley popping in and out whenever he liked (usually on the few occasions that you left the bunker), and calling you. But if there was one thing that you were sure of, it was that he was absolutely going to rip up your soul deal if you killed Lamina. Which said a lot considering you didn’t trust him. But he was so desperate for her to bite the bullet that you were certain you could get just about anything you wanted out of him. 

 

“I know you won’t disappoint,” Crowley would always say just before exiting in his dramatic fashion, and you would be left standing there fighting the urge to kill him. When he said that -  _ how _ he said that, it just triggered some of your pent up anger.

 

Except that’s not what happened this time. He delivered his ritualistic salutations as you stood just outside the bunker door. But you felt off. You had decided that taking a walk in the cooling midwest air could change the way you felt. Maybe if you got chilly enough, you would start feeling numb. Like before. Feeling nothing at all sounded the most appealing.

 

At this point, you weren’t sure there would ever be any going back. Things could never be like they were before. You were wearing the face of someone who didn’t give a shit while pressing the feeling of giving a shit down even deeper and deeper. Because the reality was, your date with death was near, the demon that killed your family had in her possession the power to change or end the world, Sam and Dean were going out of their way to help  _ you _ , and Castiel was not only absent, but he no longer responded to your dry yet rude sense of humor with the same witty and annoyed comebacks like he used to. He didn’t respond at all. 

 

And all of it was finally sinking in. 

 

Being cold hearted simply wasn’t working. Castiel just… ignored you. After you told him that you didn’t want him, he had just had enough... But it was a fact. You  _ didn’t  _ want him. It was complicated, obviously. You had, in more than one way, shown affection for the angel, and trying to go back on it was  _ hard. _ Luckily for you, you were an excellent liar. Unfortunately for Castiel, that meant that he was hurt. The pained look on his face he had given you when you told him that everything that had happened between you and him was nothing more than built up sexual tension still haunted your memory. 

 

And although you tried your hardest to seem cold hearted; you were not, in fact, heartless. 

 

Now you stood outside of the bunker, alone  _ again _ , staring at the ground and watching your shoes get blurry as you fought tears and sniffled in the crisp air. There was no burning urge to call Crowley back and kill him. There was no anger, no frustration. You were just… empty. 

 

Instead of heading inside, without thinking, you took your flannel shirt off, leaving your top half in just a tank top as the plaid fluttered to the ground. The cold breeze hit your bare shoulders, sending chills through you that you hoped would soon be replaced by that numbness you were after.

 

Maybe you’d freeze, and it would all be over. 

 

All of the thoughts that ran through your mind were heavy, confusing, and left you feeling hopeless and broken. The person you were on the outside  _ had _ to be tougher than the person that was slowly dying on the inside. Right?

 

You sat down on the steps in front of the bunker’s door and leaned against the cold railing. That’s when you realized that the railing’s cold temperature didn’t feel cold to you at all, but rather warm. Like someone was controlling it. You lifted your hands and felt all along the rail, noticing that it was the same all over. As you wiped away the few stray tears that had managed to escape, you noticed that you were warm too. Warm and comfortable as if you were in your bedroom in the bunker, sitting on your bed as the heat from the vents blew out from above and fell down over you, enveloping you just as it had done over the course of so many nights in the last month while you felt more alone than ever. 

 

_ Cas, I know that’s you. _

 

Even though it wasn’t much, it was the first time you had prayed to him in so long. Not that you had ever done it regularly anyhow. It was also the first time you had actually addressed him by name in the last few months. 

 

You suspected he was nearby and watching, as you had discovered he did occasionally when he wanted to check up on you but knew you would blow up on him if he did. You always hated it when he did that, but something inside of you loved it as well. Which is why right now as you sat, in one of the worst mental states you had ever been in, you didn’t feel like blowing up on him at all.

 

You heard rustling in the trees across the road behind you but didn’t bother looking as you heard the footsteps of the angel you loved to hate approach you. He sat down next to you on the steps, but you didn’t look up at him, or even glance in his direction. You stayed stock still, knowing he had just witnessed you talking to Crowley, and probably even the few tears you shed. 

 

“How much longer do you have left?” Cas asked you, his voice rough but tone soft, imbued with emotion that you didn’t have the will to think about. In the corner of your eye, you could see that he was doing that thing where he intertwined his fingers without completely locking his hands together. It was distracting, even in this clouded mental state. But it was the first words he had spoken to you in months, and you weren’t about to let yourself get distracted.

 

You knew the question was coming; you’d prepared for it since Cas found out that you even had a soul deal. Of course you’d done the best you could to conceal it, but you were fully aware that just the attitude you put off told everyone that it wasn’t much longer. 

 

And that was correct, you didn’t have long at all. 

 

“January twenty-eighth was my brother’s birthday,” you began, your voice crackly and quiet. You continued on, “It’s always been hard, ever since she took them.” You always had a hard time talking about losing your family. When it happened, you were vague.

  
“I usually end up losing my shit in a bar with a bunch of assholes,” you continued, “because the drunker I get, the ballsier I get, and the more people I punch in the face for no reason and yell at them about... nothing.” 

 

You had yet to look at Castiel; the thought of him having the look of pity on his face made your stomach churn. So instead you kept staring at your feet as you went on, “Three years ago,  _ yes _ , three - I uh, summoned a demon after deciding that a bar was a bad idea that year. Instead, I drank out in some field, in the cold, alone.” 

  
Still, Cas only listened. You hadn’t even heard a shift in his breathing or felt his eyes bore into you further. Yet.

 

“Agreeing on a three year deal sounded like a good idea when I was full of way too much tequila,” you added derisively. 

 

“Why didn’t you reach out to anyone?” Cas finally asked, breaking the silence that comes from turbulent emotion. 

 

“Thought that’s what I was doing.” You shrugged as you finally looked up at him. 

 

There was a gleam in his eyes that wasn’t usually there. It was one you knew all too well, since one of your recent specialties was fighting the urge to cry. 

  
Castiel looked at you, and you just stared back, wishing that you could just release the part of yourself that you kept tucked away on the inside, that part of yourself you had repressed for so long. You knew that’s what Cas wished as well.

 

_ You can’t _ , you told yourself. 

 

Without anything else to say, you stood and put your flannel shirt back on, once again avoiding eye contact with Cas. You weren’t sure if you were sad, ashamed, remorseful, guilty, angry, or all of the above. You made the few steps to the door and turned your head to the side as you put your hand on the doorknob to say, “This January marks three years.”. 

 

It was the first time you had ever admitted it out loud. You knew that acceptance was a part of death and all that… but you could never accept it. You didn’t plan on dying until you killed Lamina. Though at this point, it was looking like you didn’t have much of a choice. 

 

Before you were able to turn the knob and go inside, Cas’ hand was on yours, on the doorknob, holding you in place with minimal effort. You hadn’t even heard him get up and walk over to you. 

 

“Please don’t,” you begged with a sad voice, hoping that he would understand that you just couldn't invest yourself in him with the likelihood of hell being your new home in just a few short months. 

 

“ _ I’ll save you _ ,” was the only thing that left Cas’ lips. It was quiet, almost a whisper, but you heard it loud and clear. It was something you didn’t just hear, but  _ felt _ , in a place deep down inside you. You turned your head away even further, hoping that he couldn’t see what his words had just done to you. 

 

The only thing you intended on doing for the rest of the evening was cry. If Sam and Dean weren’t in the war room, you’d sink down behind the door and let it out, and if they were, you’d have to be a bitch and push through to your room or to the bathroom and then let it out. But there was no avoiding it. If Cas didn’t move quickly, you would start sobbing right there. 

 

His thumb caressed your hand while your throat felt as if it was swelling shut, your eyes blurred, and you began to shake slightly. Your heart was sinking to your stomach and you felt cold again, the only source of warmth coming from Cas’ hand. It radiated through your body and though meant to be comforting, it only hurt you even more. 

 

“Please move,” you choked out. At the same time, a single tear fell. The corners of your mouth turned downwards. You hated feeling like this.

 

Castiel did as you asked and pulled his hand away, moving back. You opened the door without hesitation, stepped inside and shut it behind you. 

 

Sam and Dean weren’t in the war room, but you heard Dean’s voice coming from the direction of the kitchen; it was likely that you came in unheard. You ran down the stairs and straight to your room, locking your door behind you. You looked at your bed, and even though it was only a few steps from where you stood, you couldn’t make it. The emptiness within you erupted and you nearly fell to the floor in a nauseous haze. The room was spinning and your breaths became shorter and more frantic as your heart pumped faster and faster. 

 

It was a panic attack with agony mixed into the chaos that was consuming your mind and body. It was longing and pining that you had kept down for too long. It was the feeling of being a burden and a fuck up by giving the potentially most evil being on Earth the power to end it all. It never stopped playing in your head. It was like a bad song stuck on repeat. You heard it and felt it; smelled, tasted and sensed it. You saw it as the spinning refused to stop. It was a spider building a sticky web of misery around your soul. 

 

There was no getting out, you were sure of it. In just a few short months, hellhounds would surely be ripping you to shreds and dragging you down to the place you didn’t want to be, just as it gets worse than the worst. You would be consumed within the flames, tortured over and over again as you paid; paid for helping the world end, paid for the demon deal that only ended up making things worse than you could have ever thought, paid for having the audacity to think you could  _ change  _ something- 

 

_ I’ll save you. _

 

You heard it in your mind, in Castiel’s whispered voice as he struggled to hold himself together in front of you. 

 

_ I’ll save you. _

 

It played again in your head while violent sobs wracked your frame as you struggled so hard to keep quiet, knowing that Sam or Dean or both would be at the door in a second if they heard them, begging you to let them in. 

 

_ I’ll save you. _

 

You wanted to save yourself. The angry side that you tried so hard to cling to fought with all its might. You could do this yourself. You’ve always saved yourself. You always would. 

 

_ I’ll save you. _

 

Castiel  _ wanted  _ to save you. He promised without saying so; he gave you his word, his warmth. Had you let him, he probably would’ve given you his comfort, too. 

 

_ I’ll save you. _

 

Being saved was something you always struggled with. Always. You saved yourself and other people. You didn’t need anyone. The idea of being strong and independent was your only option. 

 

As the thought of rejecting Cas’ words crossed your mind explicitly, you were calming down. The spinning was slowing with your heart rate, your bed didn’t seem so far away anymore. The agony was still there, but the panic had passed. And the thought of rejecting Cas felt like a punch to an already bruised chest.

 

It wasn’t until you heard his voice one more time. This time, you allowed yourself to hear it. You didn’t fight it. You really, truly  _ listened  _ and swore that his voice was in the same room instead of just in your mind. 

 

_ I’ll save you. _

 

Castiel wanted to save you. 

 

When you heard his knock on your door, you managed to pick yourself up off the floor and let Cas in without hesitation. 

 

Before tonight, you never admitted that it was exactly what you needed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I am so so so so sorry this took so long to update. Life got busy and I just lost my groove. But luckily I'm starting to find it again! This series is very near and dear to me so I couldn't just leave it hanging! I'm also working on the next part so don't worry! There'll be more soon! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you finally start to let Cas in, things start to fall into place. With you, with him, and even some light is shed on how you, Castiel, Sam, and Dean could kill Lamina. But is it all to risky? Is it even worth it?

**_A few months ago, just after you were attacked by Lamina_ **

 

“We can’t,” you said, plain and honestly. Only... it wasn’t actually honest at all.

 

It hurt. It hurt you, it hurt Castiel. Of course after the kind of week you’d had, hiding the fact that it hurt was pretty easy. Everything at this point was just building up and turning into anger that you didn’t know how to control.

 

After being locked in hell (though unconscious for most of the time), getting your ass kicked on a back road you were now having nightmares about, and having to explain the whole Lamina thing to the Winchesters and Cas while also beating around the bush about it was  _ hard _ . It was like you were running a never ending marathon in your mind. 

 

“Look, I hit my head really hard when we were locked up, I let my guard down,” you added in a very flat voice. Cas just looked at you and you could tell his first reaction was to speak up and accuse you of lying-- and he’d be right, but instead, he waited for a moment to make sure that was all you were going to say. 

 

“And in your truck?” It was all he asked. And you knew he’d ask about it. 

 

“I was just tired.” You said it faster than you thought it.

 

_ Queen of excuses, Y/N. You can do this,  _ you thought to yourself.

 

“And when you woke up the other day after Sam and Dean got you back here. What about that?” Castiel added. His voice was so calm that it almost startled you. You were expecting him to get… angrier about the whole thing. In fact, you almost wanted him to.    
  
“I was just caught up in it at that point,” you said, silently cursing yourself for looking to the side immediately after speaking. The classic sign that you were just spewing bullshit.

 

The two of you had been close the entire time you were talking. Very close. Cas was leaning against the the doorway just inside the kitchen where you had stopped him to talk. He kept his hands in the pockets of his trench coat and you were practically hugging yourself, which looked both defensive and pitiful in your opinion. Though the words you were speaking were saying one thing, your body language was saying another. Which is why what Castiel did next shouldn’t have surprised you. 

 

“So if I tried to, say...” he began, trailing off slightly for effect, “kiss you right now. You’d what.. Push me away?” 

 

This time, you began to sense a hint of annoyance in his voice. Just like old times. Now you felt the confidence to push his buttons just a little.

 

You took in a long breath as you looked up into his eyes, trying not to lose it on the inside. Of course you wouldn’t push him away. But you couldn’t let Cas know that. Which meant that you had to. To make sure things stayed the way they were supposed to be. 

 

You thought about it for too long of a beat, which allowed Cas to lean down and do just what he suggested. He tried to kiss you. You froze when his hands found your waist, but you quickly regained control at the moment you should’ve closed your eyes, and you pulled away. Stepping back towards the kitchen table, you only watched Cas as he stood up straight, waiting for you to say something. Hopefully you could pull your way through this without your face turning totally red.

 

“Didn’t push you away.” You shrugged, now breaking eye contact with Castiel. 

 

“I don’t know when I started to have feelings for you, Y/N,” Cas began, and finally, as if you had been fishing for it (which you kind of were), he sounded angry, “and I’m not sure when you started having feelings for me, but I do know that everything you just told me was a lie.” 

 

“Wrong. I did not push you away,” you said, actually pulling off a smirk.

 

“That’s not what I-”

 

“Look dude, it’s not happening,” you snapped, finally getting back to your old self. “It was just like a… Look, the whole situation was perfect for it all to happen. Built up sexual tension and whatever, okay? That’s all I got. Sorry.” 

 

You shrugged and looked away again, trying to find something else to give your attention to. 

 

“Fine,” Cas said as he began pacing around. You couldn’t tell if he was at a loss for words or if he was holding back, “go back to… whatever it is you do. I’ll leave you alone.”

 

Your hands balled up into fists as you watched him walk away. Cas had never just… walked away from you. He had never sounded as disgusted with you as he just did. And though you were glad that you had gotten under his skin again, something just felt wrong. “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you were an  _ alright _ fuck!” you called after him.

 

Maybe that was a little too cold. You rolled your eyes at yourself for even thinking about it twice. That’s not who you were. Not to Castiel, anyway.

 

He didn’t come back to say anything else to you, and you realized only for a moment just how messed up you were. You weren’t sure what you were feeling. You wanted Cas and you hated him. You worried for the safety of yourself and him if it was found out that you two had tried to pursue something like a relationship together. It was dangerous and it could be used against you.

 

But for now you felt fine. Which as narcissistic as it may sound, it was a relief. You let your hands relax and you began to pace around, trying to think of something to do. Everything you had just done felt both wrong and right and you weren't sure what was what anymore. But you knew that you didn’t have the time to care. 

 

Castiel ignored you after that. He didn’t speak to you  _ at all, _ and it pissed you off. He ignored you when you called him names and when you insulted him. He ignored you when you talked about him right in front of him like you hated him. He even ignored you when you tried talking to him in a normal, civilized way.

 

When Cas told you that he’d leave you alone, you never thought he meant that he’d act like you didn’t even exist. And it killed you on the inside. 

 

**_NOW_ **

 

“I’m s-so sorry.” 

 

The words spilled from your mouth barely recognizable, your voice still shaking. You stood back from your bedroom door, giving Cas room to step inside and close the door behind him. He didn’t say anything, not yet. 

 

“I just d-don’t wanna hurt anymore,” you added. Being open and honest and vulnerable like this wasn’t something you were used to, so it came as no surprise when it felt like you were finally doing the right thing. You just wish it hadn’t taken you so long to do what was right.

 

“You don’t have to,” Cas told you. You were fighting back more tears, the kind that spilled out without warning after a breakdown, when the aftershocks of a panic attack took hold of your body, like it was recovering from some sort of trauma.

 

Walking over and sitting down on your bed, you looked up at Cas with shining eyes. “Will you stay?” 

 

You noticed him soften a bit. He seemed to relax and you saw relief in the angel’s eyes when you said it. Like he had been waiting for a long time to hear it. Hell, deep down, you’d wanted to say it for a long time. 

 

“I can’t stay for long,” he began, “but I will stay with you as long as I can; for as long as you need me to.” 

 

You scooted up on your bed so that you could lean against the wall. Castiel took it as an opportunity to walk over to your bed and sit down as well, only he sat on the side of the bed. Near you, but not too close in case you didn’t want him to sit there. If you were being honest with yourself, you didn’t want him to leave. Although you knew he had to leave in order to find a way to kill or track Lamina… you just wished that you didn’t have to care.

 

“I’m sorry, Castiel.” When you said it, you pulled your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around your legs. You didn’t apologize. For so long it just wasn’t who you were. But deep down, it’s who you always wanted to be. 

 

Looking over at your clock to try and separate yourself from the bit of awkwardness in the room, you noticed that it was only eight-thirty, and that it could be a very long night. You wanted Cas there with you of course, but it seemed that anytime you opened your mouth, you just wanted to apologize. You looked back up at Cas, and his eyes were fixated on  _ you. _

 

“I know,” he said, Cas sat only two feet away from you, but he began to feel far away, “you don’t need to be anymore.” 

 

“You never deserved it,” you explained, looking him in the directly in the eye, “any of it. I never hated you.” You began to feel more comfortable as you adjusted how you sat again, this time crossing your legs and scooting slightly closer to Cas. “I was disappointed in the beginning, but that was never your fault. It was mine.” 

  
Castiel turned toward you slightly as you continued, “I just channeled all the anger I had into making it seem like I hated you. In some fucked up way… it was a release from all the pain.”

 

“Could I confess something to you?” Cas interrupted. It caught you off guard a little bit at first.

 

“Uh, sure,” you replied, looking at him skeptically. What could he possibly have to confess? 

 

“I never believed for a minute that you had any real issue with me,” he said. “When we first met, I know I was a bit naive when it came to any and all things human. But I never recognized that what you felt for me was hatred.” 

 

A single tear fell from the corner of your eye; and as you wiped it away with the back of your sleeve, you realized that Cas just said to you everything you ever wanted him to say. You were pretty sure that that you had just wanted him to call you out on your bullshit so that you could pull it together. 

 

You were certain now more than ever that you had a deeper connection with Castiel, one that was possibly on another plane of existence. One that sounded absolutely ludacris when you thought about it in depth, but now that you were, you couldn’t stop. Was it insane? Was it even possible? 

 

_ You love him _ . 

 

It was like a little voice in the back of your head, confirming the thing that you just tried banishing from your mind. The idea of having a deeper connection with Cas made you want to retract and retreat on everything that had been said in the last few minutes. You don’t love him; it’s just the underlying anxiety from becoming so hopeless after the last few months. 

 

Now you just hoped that Cas didn’t sense anything you were just thinking about. 

 

“Y/N? You in there?” you heard Dean ask as he knocked on your door.

 

_ No,  _ you thought. Or at least you didn’t want to be now that Dean apparently needed you for something. Though terrified of everything that just flashed through your mind, you didn’t want to be anywhere… unless it was alone with Cas.

 

“Yeah?” you answered, and Dean opened the door.

 

“We found somethin’ about killing Lamina-” Dean began, but when he looked up from the book in front of him and saw you and Cas sitting together, he fell silent. There was that surprised yet mischievous look on his face. “I interrupting some- Are you okay, Y/N?”

 

_ Shit. _ Your face. You had just been sobbing for the last several minutes and you imagined that you looked like a mess. Dean was looking at you, so there was no chance of trying to push this one off on Cas. You’d have to explain for yourself. Which meant you weren’t going to explain at all, in your classic fashion. 

 

“It’s nothing,” you said, your voice no longer shaking even if it was only for convincing Dean you were totally fine, “you found something about Lamina?” 

 

“Yeah, uh,” Dean closed his book as he tried picking up where he had left off, “It’s an exorcism. A pretty damn complicated one-”

 

You hadn’t notice Sam had walked into the room as well, and you hoped that maybe he found a way to track Lamina, “It’s a  _ doable _ exorcism. I think.”

 

You tilted your head to the side when you noticed that Sam didn’t seem one hundred percent confident in what he’d just said, “You  _ think _ ?” you asked. If  _ Sam _ wasn’t completely sure, your chances of being totally fucked were pretty high.

 

“Well, it’s not… in Latin.” Sam began, “It’s in Enochian.” 

 

“Sooo Cas can just, teach us some Enochian?” you said with false hope.   
  
“Enochian is very difficult to learn and get right.” Cas interjected as he stood, “I’m assuming it’s long?” 

 

“Why don’t you be the judge,” Dean suggested as he flipped the book he was holding back open, handing it to Castiel.

 

You stood as well and walked over to where Cas stood holding the book. You wanted to see too. He was too tall for you to be able to look over his shoulder, so you stood close to him, and watched as he looked the page Dean had opened. 

 

Cas turned the page… a few times. And though you didn’t really know anything about Enochian, you knew that the writing was small for the language, and that it was even taking Cas while to flip through the exorcism. 

 

Finally, after what felt like forever but was really only just a few minutes, Castiel closed the book, and handed it back to Dean, while looking between the three of you with a sort of defeated look on his face. 

 

“The good news is that this exorcism  _ will _ kill her. The bad news is that this would take you all months to learn,” he said.

  
“How long?” Sam asked, the same look of concern falling on his face as he assumed what Cas would say next.

 

“Longer than we have,” Cas answered, looking down at you. 

 

Your heart sank. That’s not what you wanted to hear. You knew by the tone of his voice that you would be dead before any one of you (besides Cas) could even put a dent in it. 

 

“And how long do we have exactly?” Dean piped up before pointing to you, “You still haven’t told us about your soul deal.” 

 

You swallowed thickly. It was obvious that Dean was concerned about just how much -or little- life you had left, but you could tell that he was also getting frustrated about working on this blindly, since you had given them so little information. 

 

This was the time to tell them.    
  


“When I sold my soul,” you said, taking a deep breath, “I sold it in exchange for something that could help me kill Lamina. This was back when I didn’t even know her name or anything.” 

 

You took a moment to breathe as you struggled to talk about it without getting choked up, and that’s when you felt Cas reach down, and clasp your hand in his. At first you thought of pulling away, but then you remembered that you needed this, and Cas was here for  _ you. _

 

“Well, I got the archangel pendant out of it,” you went on, “but now, she has it. So it sounds like the exorcism is our only option.” 

 

You looked up at Cas, silently looking for reassurance, which he gladly offered you in the form of encouraging eye contact. 

 

“Well how long do we have to figure it out, then?” Dean urged.

 

“Until January twenty-eighth,” you said as you looked between him and Sam. 

 

There was a silence in the room as the short amount of time you had left set in. Sam looked saddened, but also like he suspected the date was that near. Dean looked that way too for a moment, but then his face hardened, and you could see the personality he takes on when he’s lost someone. It was obvious that these men loved the shit out of you, and you never knew why. At the same time that you felt loved, you also felt like you’d done something else wrong. 

 

The fact that it was October fifteenth meant that there was only around three and a half months to learn this exorcism. 

 

“Wait a second,” Sam spoke up, “how long ago did you sell your soul?”

 

“Three years ago.”

 

“You took a deal that only gave you three years?” Dean said, sounding angrier than he did before.

 

“That didn’t matter to me then,” you defended yourself, “and I was drunk. Get off my ass.” 

 

You hated confrontations like this. Everyone knew you spent the better part of your time avoiding them.

  
Just after Cas’ hand tightened around yours, he said, “I’ll do it. I already know the exorcism.” His words pulled all attention away from you telling the story of the dumbest thing you’d ever done, and now you were all focused in on him.

 

“Cas-” you protested immediately, only to be interrupted. 

 

“I said I’d save you,” he began as he looked down at you as you still stood next to him, “I meant it.” 

 

You opened your mouth to make your case only to find that you couldn’t think of anything to say. He wasn’t going to let you win on this one. 

 

“What, are you gonna go in and fight her yourself? You don’t know how powerful she is or how powerful she’s getting,” Dean argued. 

 

“That’s  _ exactly _ what I’m gonna do, Dean.” Cas said as he looked over at him. 

 

To be fair, you did  _ not _ want Cas to do it himself. You knew that there needed to be a plan set in place for all of you once you found a way to track her down. 

 

“Let’s worry about this when we find her, guys. Okay?” you said as you let go of Cas’ hand, “I’m going to bed early tonight, so…” you trailed off.

 

“Fine,” Dean said, and he followed Sam out of the room. Sam had given you a half-smile on his way out. Cas started to leave after they had exited, but you stopped him by grabbing his arm. 

 

Knowing that there was a way to kill Lamina helped you feel loads better. Though when it came to Cas being the one that had to be the one to deliver the exorcism, you weren’t too happy about it. But for now you just wanted to unwind. You were tired of being stressed all the time.

 

“Do you still have time?” you asked. 

He turned around, smiling slightly at your touch, “Of course.” 

 

Without letting go of Cas, you walked back over to your bed with him. You sat in the spot that you were before Dean and Sam came in and Cas had no issue with sitting down next to you. There was a few seconds where there was nothing said. You couldn’t think of what to say and you were sure that he didn’t know what to say either. 

 

That empty feeling began to sink back in and you realized that the only way out of it was granting yourself something you not only wanted, but something you desperately needed. 

 

“I want something with you, Cas,” you said as you picked at your nails out of nervousness. 

 

He looked at you again, and you began to catch on that he was doing this on purpose, because evidently when he didn’t respond, you kept talking. 

 

It was very much obvious that not only was he genuinely interested in what you had to say, but he also seemed to just like it when you talked. Probably because you hadn’t said much to him over the years that  _ wasn’t _ rude. 

 

“But?” Cas asked. 

 

“I don’t want it to happen all at once,” you babbled, “I don’t want things to move fast. Not until after Lamina is gone, along with my soul deal.” 

 

It came all out so fast that you weren’t sure if Cas had even heard anything you said. And you were definitely unsure about it when Cas leaned forward for the first time in months and pressed his lips against yours. 

 

You had forgotten. 

 

You had forgotten how warm he was, and how soft he felt. The way you could melt into him as his lips moved against yours was something that you wanted forever. Your heart fluttered so violently from happiness and fear that it almost hurt. 

 

Your hands reached out for him, grabbing fist fulls of his shirt as his hands reached out and pulled you closer. Without hesitation, you climbed up on his lap and straddled him as your arms wrapped around the back of his neck, and his hands pulled you flush against him while never leaving your waist. With your plaid shirt unbuttoned and your tank top riding up on your torso, Cas’ hands moved down just a little to be against the bare skin of your hips. 

 

Castiel’s tongue mingled with yours and unlike the last time you found yourself like this with Cas (which wasn’t like this at all), you felt that connection again. This was where you were supposed to be, and as the angel continued to kiss you with lips that were chapped yet softer than any other lips you’d ever felt, you started to feel your throat thicken. 

 

You didn’t have much longer left. With all of this joy, came even more sadness. Even though things were beginning to move in the right direction, you couldn’t help but feel as though you’d be dead in just a few short months anyhow. Three months. That’s all you had with Cas. It’s all the time you would ever had, and you knew it.

 

Before you could pull away, tears were running down your face even though your eyes were closed. Cas pulled away when they touched his own cheeks. He held you close while you were still on his lap as he asked, “What is it?” 

 

“I-I don’t want this to be it,” you whispered. 

 

“It won’t be. I  _ promise _ ,” he said, his hands now on the sides of your face, his thumbs wiping your tears away before he leaned in and kissed you again once more. This time it was even more gentle, as he pulled back again and then laid you down on the bed. 

 

You would’ve went with it if he had kept going but after he kissed you one more time, he sat up. 

  
“I don’t need to leave again,” he said, “not after Sam and Dean finding that exorcism. And it’s obvious that I have no way of finding her.”

 

As you laid on your bed, slightly flushed and a little out of breath, you just looked up at Cas and listened. 

 

“I’m staying here,” he continued, “for as long as you want me here. You really do need to go to bed early, though.”

  
“Okay,” you agreed, feeling happy that Cas wasn’t going anywhere. His hand was on your arm as you laid there, but you pushed him away from you and sat up. 

 

“I know you’ll save me,” you confessed just before you leaned forward and kissed him. 

 

One of his hands found yours and his fingers tangled with yours loosely for a moment before you both pulled away, leaning your foreheads together for a brief moment. He wasn’t going to stay in the room while you slept, and that’s when you knew that he heard you when you told him you wanted to take things slow. 

 

For once, things felt like they were going to be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowwwwwwie! A lot of emotions happening there. What did you guys think? Anyone have any theories? Do you think that Cas will be able to kill Lamina on his own? Will Dean, Sam, and the reader be able to help??? I wanna know what you think!!!! (I also want to see how surprised you are when you find out what happens). Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get closer to finding Lamina, but will a secret you've been hiding damage your blossoming relationship with Cas?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's late guys! I had a hard time constructing it all and I wanted to make sure it made sense before posting it. You're gonna love this chapter tho!!! (Or hate it, I can't say for certain)

“So, you’re sure that you can find her?” you asked, clarifying that you weren’t wasting your time. 

 

“I might need a little bit of time, but yes, I’m sure,” Rowena said to you over the phone.

 

She sounded like she was full of shit if anyone was asking you, but at the moment, you had no other option. Rowena was currently the only witch you knew. Usually, your resources were slightly more vast, but Rowena kind of killed them all. Talk about monopolization.

 

“Okay well just remember I only have until-”

 

“January twenty-eighth. You’ve only said it a hundred times in the last five minutes!” Rowena interrupted you. She also hung up. You rolled your eyes when your phone beeped and you pulled it back to see that the screen had gone blank. 

 

The truth was that if you were able to get out of the bunker for literally like ten minutes, you could try performing your own tracking spell. You always had a knack for most things witchy, and you hated it, but it came in handy. The only reason why you would need to be alone for it was because you were  _ just _ skilled enough to be considered a witch… and well, you didn’t exactly want to be. Not to mention that Sam and Dean literally hunted witches. Saying out loud that you were a witch was something that you never intended on doing.

 

It was something that was just better left unsaid. So you sucked it up and asked Rowena for help. Unbeknownst to Castiel, Dean, and Sam of course.

 

You tossed your phone down on your bed and decided to get back to what you were doing before you were on the phone. There was no possible way that you could continue to live in the bunker without fixing up your room a bit. It was too plain, blank, bare… basic. It could suffocate you if you stared at the walls for long enough. 

 

Currently, you were working on hanging up Christmas lights, not caring what time of year it was. You had always loved the way that they could make a room feel. You were happy, and this was the first place you’d called home in ten years, so you’d be damned if you couldn’t make yourself feel even more comfortable. 

 

It didn’t take long before you were finished with what you were doing and before you knew it, you heard a knock at your door. Your door was open, but Cas always knocked anway.

 

“When’s the last time you left the bunker?” he asked you as you turned to look at him from where you stood. 

  
You didn’t have to think about it. “Uh, the night I had that total mental breakdown,” you replied with an awkward smile, because, why did it matter? Leaving the bunker was dangerous for you right now. 

 

“I… don’t think that was a  _ total _ mental breakdown, Y/N,” he responded as he stepped closer to you. He didn’t stop until he had all but closed the distance between your bodies. 

 

You playfully rolled your eyes as you looked up at him, accepting him with open arms when he leaned down to kiss you. Castiel didn’t give you the chance to do more than breathe him in, but his scent was sweet tangled with something more masculine, something that gave you comfort. Something like home, when home was a feeling and not just a place. He pulled away, both of you knowing that things need to keep progressing slowly, although it was very  _ hard _ .

 

You bit your bottom lip flirtatiously as you asked, “Any… particular reason why you ask?” You’d almost forgotten what he had been talking about in the first place. 

 

“Well, I thought maybe you’d be safe enough with me to get out for awhile,” Cas said. 

 

“You mean like… on a date?” you asked.

 

It was such a simple idea that you thought it almost stupid, but at the same time, you would be  _ more  _ than happy to go on a date with Cas. However you were worried that it wouldn’t be safe, since the last time you and Cas were alone together, Lamina was on your asses the minute you stopped driving. 

 

“I guess it would be a date, yes,” Cas said with his hands resting on your waist. You could see the happiness in his eyes and a smile beginning to pull at the corners of his lips and you could’ve just looked at him like that all day. He was more than just attractive to you. Castiel was what you considered to be the definition of beauty, and you didn’t give a single fuck about what anyone thought of it. 

 

“Where’re we gonna go?” you asked in a playful tone. 

 

Castiel leaned down again to capture your lips with his, in a way that told you he was trying to make you forget what you had just asked. It didn’t really matter to you where the two of you went anyway, so long as you were together. 

 

Just as Cas’ tongue slipped past your lips to mingle with your own, your hands slid up his arms to touch the sides of his face. You pulled him closer to you, feeling the roughness of his five o’clock shadow on your face and hands. His lips were larger than yours, so when you did this it almost felt as if you were trying to become a part of him; to be with him forever. 

 

Though you weren’t ready to admit yet that that’s exactly what you wanted. 

 

A quiet moan escaped you, and Castiel gripped you tighter, pulling you closer. Now usually at his point, you or Cas would pull away, bringing things to a much needed but much, much dreaded stop. You still wanted to take things slow, knowing what could come of it if you and Cas got any closer than you were now. 

 

But for the first time since you’d admitted your feelings for him, you didn’t stop. Cas didn’t stop. When you tried bringing yourself closer to him again, one large, warm hand slid down to the top of your thigh and he encouraged you to jump up and wrap your legs around him. Since the two of you were near your bedroom door anyway, Cas turned around and closed it while holding you firmly before backing you up against the door. 

 

He was still holding you and your arms were wrapped around the back of his neck, but now he was pressed even more tightly against you as the passionate kiss you were wrapped up in continued, as softly and desperately as it could. Castiel was hard as he pushed into you, reminding you of the one time the two of you had been intimate. It turned you on, which resulted in grinding against him, drawing a moan from both of you. 

 

As amazing as it felt, as amazing as  _ Cas  _ felt, there was still a voice in the back of your head screaming at you to wait. Loudly. It almost felt as if it was coming from your soul… not your head. 

_ Wait, what?  _ You slowed down for a moment as you tried to figure out where the feeling was coming from, and why your first thought was that it was your soul, of all things. 

  
Then you stopped - suddenly, feeling almost in shock. You pulled away from Cas so that you could look at him, and upon the opening of his eyes you noticed he had the same look on his face as you did yours. 

 

“Did you feel that?” he said, slightly breathless as he looked at you, still holding you against the door. 

  
You were even more breathless than Cas, and instead of answering, you just nodded. Your heart pounded hard. It pounded harder  _ after _ you and Cas stopped. After a quiet few seconds as you and Castiel pondered what that deep connected feeling was that was telling you both to stop, you said in a hushed voice, “It felt like… like my soul.” 

 

Castiel’s head tilted slightly to the side and a sudden look of concern was on his face, “How do you know that?” he asked.

 

“I-I just do… I-I don’t know how...” you trailed off. You looked off to the side, your vision focusing on your half strung up Christmas light as Cas let you down. You didn’t want to get down, but you could feel that there was something going on. 

 

Castiel turned around, looking around your room as if his thoughts were particles in the air that he could see. 

 

“I have to leave for awhile,” he said, and you walked in front of him so that you could look at him. 

  
“Leave?” you asked, getting nervous. “What about our date?”   
  


For the first time in your life, you felt like a whiny girlfriend. Which was probably silly, because what just happened -whatever it was- was serious.

 

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” Cas assured you as his gaze focused on you, realizing the worry on your face. “Be ready; you’re getting out of here for at least a few hours.” 

 

You smiled and crossed your arms, trying to warm yourself as you were already cold from his absence, though he hadn’t even left yet. Your eyes flickered down to his lips and Castiel stepped forward and kissed you, your soul immediately calling out again. 

 

It was one of the strangest things you’d ever felt, and you hoped that Cas would find out what it was. When Cas pulled away and turned to leave, you watched him the whole way, looking on with deafening curiosity, confusion, and worry. He left your door open, and after a moment you were able to pull yourself back to the present and go back to working on your Christmas lights.

 

A few minutes later, your lights were done and ready to be plugged in.

 

“Christmas lights?” Sam said, you turned around to see he was standing in your doorway.

  
“Yep,” you said, smiling, “I like the way they make the room feel.”

 

You turned back around and walked over to plug the lights in. When they came on, you spun around, your hands gesturing around the room. Sam smiled back at you, but looked down nervously. He had something to say. 

 

Your smile fell. “What is it?”

 

Sam took a second to take a breath and to lean against your doorway. 

  
“I heard you on the phone a little while ago,” he said.

 

“Sam-” you began, but Sam went on.   
  
“Look, you know what we all think of Rowena,” he began, a brief panic stirred up inside of you as you realized he possibly heard you talking about spells on the phone, which would give away that you were kind of a witch, “But, we don’t exactly have a way to find her or track Lamina.”

 

“So… you’re not mad?” you asked, sighing in relief thinking all was safe on your end. 

 

“I can’t really afford to be,” Sam began, “with what’s at stake. And besides, if it works out, I wouldn’t have a reason to be, would I?”

 

You were smiling again. Sam was always the most understanding, even when times were tough. Though you were still worried, and realized that you should probably close your bedroom door if you need to have a conversation that could jeopardize your relationship with the only few important people you had in your life. 

 

“I really am sorry,” you began, “I just… it feels stupid to not try out all of our options.”

 

Sam nodded and stepped into your room as he said, “Yeah, definitely,” the look on his face changed to a look that was a bit more playful than you were used to seeing, “I’ve gotta ask,” he said as he pointed to your doorway, “you and Cas?”

 

You grinned wide and like an idiot before you realized it, and it was the first time you even noticed that you had been keeping what you and Cas had going very quiet.

 

“Yeah,” you began, “It’s… it’s simple.” 

 

Which was true up until just a few minutes ago when apparently your fucking soul tried reaching out to Cas, but you know, who wants to talk about that?

 

“Well, I don’t want to get in your business, I just wanted to say I’m happy for you,” Sam said.

 

“Thanks Sammy,” you joked, and Sam reached out and friendly touched your shoulder before the two of you exchanged a  _ see ya later _ look. When he left your room, you followed and closed the door gently behind him, looked around your room and prayed,  _ Miss you already _ to Cas. 

 

It was cheesy and made you feel bashful like a kid with a crush, but you didn’t care. Though worry struck you again when you felt a warm feeling wash over you. Was that Cas responding? If he wasn’t at the bunker anymore, how could he do that? It wasn’t something you’d ever felt before except for a few weeks ago when he was kind of spying on you. But that was different too.

 

Did he even know he was doing it, if it  _ was _ him? 

 

There was so much to think about, so much to worry about, so much to wonder. So much in fact that you had zoned out upon that warm feeling, and somehow came to several minutes later sitting on your floor, leaning against your door.

 

Hopefully Castiel would come back for you later with some answers. 

 

\-----

 

You weren’t the type to wear dresses. That wasn’t who you were. So you went for skinny jeans, knee high boots, and a black sweater that showed enough cleavage to get Cas’ attention. Even with what happened earlier, you couldn’t resist. Though you knew you’d get Cas’ attention anyway. You also took the time to curl your hair a little, though you wouldn’t admit it. 

 

Before sliding your jacket on- your leather one, the only jacket you owned that you could consider ‘dressy,’ you walked over to your small closet and pulled from it a bag full of your witchy things. 

 

Of course you felt safe with Cas. There was never a time that you hadn’t, now that you thought of it, but considering what happened last time you were out and alone with him, you couldn't be  _ too  _ safe. You sat the bag down on your bed and opened it up, pulling out the necessary items to make yourself a protective hex bag. 

 

It was one strong enough to hide a house. With it, no one, no angels and no demons could find you. You worried for a moment that Castiel might notice he could no longer sense you, which would mean you’d have to explain that you were using a hex bag, he’d ask you where you got it, you’d have to explain everything, and so on and so forth. 

 

Once the hex bag was done and tied, you slipped it into your jacket pocket and forgot about it. 

 

_ This is stupid,  _ you thought. But then you felt bad almost instantly for feeling that way. Because it wasn’t stupid. You and Castiel were trying to have  _ something  _ normal. And going out with the person you wanted to be with was normal. 

 

It was probably nerves. You hadn’t exactly been on a date before. 

 

When you were ready, you stepped out of your room and made your way for the garage. The entire walk you were distracting yourself by hoping your truck would start- it had been a long time since you’d started it up. 

 

Sam was in the library, and Dean was out on a beer run and you hoped to avoid both of them. The last thing you wanted was teasing comments about how you were dressed and you were sure that they would tease you about going on a date with Cas. Luckily for you, you made it to the garage Winchester free. 

 

Seeing your truck for the first time since Lamina had attacked you and Cas out on that back road brought back some not so happy memories. But there were a few. Like how you and Cas started to get close. You’d wished you’d let him in after that, instead of shutting him and everyone else out. It would’ve given you so much more time…

 

“There’s a place that’s only a few miles away from here,” Cas began as you spun around just as you reached your truck. He had been waiting in the garage for you, and when you saw him, your heart soared. It couldn’t be helped. “I think it’ll be really good for you to see it.”

 

“What is it?” you asked, stepping closer to him. 

 

“A surprise,” he said with a smile, and you stood on the tips of your toes to kiss him. 

 

“So,” you said, “are you driving then?” smiling as you pulled your keys from your pocket, handing them to him. 

 

“I can,” Cas said, taking your keys from you. 

 

You made your way to the passenger side of your truck as Cas got into the drivers side. You looked over at him and smiled when it started up beautifully.

 

Something told you to not ask him about what happened earlier. Not yet. 

 

\-----

 

It was a small, beach like section of a lake that appeared nearly untouched to mankind. You hadn’t touched the sand, but you could see that it was smooth and almost pure. The moonlight lit the area just enough to illuminate your surroundings, and the two trees overhead offered privacy from… well, anything. 

 

It was a beautiful little area of a tiny little lake in Kansas, just a few miles from the bunker, and immediately you were felt that this spot existed specifically for you and Castiel. 

 

The breeze coming in from the water was chilly, but your jacket was warm, and the warmth that Cas always provided for you was more than enough to keep you comfortable, and feeling safe. 

 

“So, why are we here?” you asked as you turned to face him. He had been standing next to you, holding your hand. Your hair covered your eyes as you turned to the side and Cas didn’t hesitate to reach up and brush it away with the tips of his fingers, tucking it behind your ear. 

 

“I found this place a few years ago,” he said, “when I was human.” Cas’ hand cupped your face, and you leaned into him as he went on, “I found it when I left the bunker and I sat here for a few hours, and it felt lonely.” 

 

You continued to listen to Cas, even though the way he began pulling you closer to him distracted you. 

  
“Until today, I hadn’t thought of this place in a long time,” he said, “and it dawned on me today that this very well could be a safe haven for us.”

 

You looked at him in confusion, his arms wrapped around you, holding you close as you said, “Safe haven?”  _ For us? _ You added as a thought.

 

“Soulmates are incredibly rare,” Cas answered, and your heart stopped and your stomach dropped - did he just say what you think he said? “But they  _ do _ exist. And even more rarely can this connection happen between an angel and a human.”

 

“That’s what you were doing when you left earlier? You were finding out that we were soulmates?” you said in shock, not knowing what to think of it. You never imagined that soulmates were a real thing. Of course you’d heard and seen some crazy things in your life, but soulmates?

 

“Not  _ finding out _ ,” Cas clarified, “there’s no way to know for certain unless…” he trailed off, trying to find the right words.    
  
“If we were soulmates,” he started again, “since I’m an angel, our bond would be… huge, i-it would be on another plane of existence.” 

 

When he finished talking, you realized that what he just said was exactly what you felt when you told him of your feelings for him. It was so spot on, and you knew. It was true. You and Cas had to be soulmates. 

 

“How do we know for sure then?” you asked, deciding to lean your head against his chest as you both stood there. 

 

“Think of it like a volcano,” he said, leaning his head against yours to speak quietly in your ear, “if we are in fact soulmates, the connection is lying dormant. When it’s time… when it’s  _ our  _ time, it’ll make itself so obvious to us that it’s in very close relation to an eruption.” 

 

It made little sense, and it was very new information to take in, but it felt right. 

 

But did that mean you and Cas were wasting time by taking things slow? Your heart sank again, and you asked, “Cas, what happens when your soulmate dies?” 

 

His body tensed for a moment, causing you to tense as well, though the two of you continued to practically cling to each other. After a moment, Cas answered, “Soulmates are destined for heaven, since their souls are bounded  _ by  _ heaven,” you could hear it in his voice that he didn’t know what would happen with you and him, since he was an angel and you were a human with your soul signed away to hell, but he went on, “the short period of time that there typically is between the deaths is incredibly painful for the surviving mate.” 

 

“Painful… like-” you began, but Castiel talked over you.

  
“The worst pain that’s known in this universe.” 

 

You swallowed thickly, and you just stood there for several moments until both of you were able to relax. After the silence ended, the two of you eventually sat down, spending this time together talking about anything and everything that wasn’t what you currently feared most. 

 

You were back to feeling happy. Even if it was only for a little while. 

 

\-----

 

You drove back to the bunker, parking outside. If you parked outside, you’d have all the more reason to leave the bunker more. The hex bag obviously helped keep you safe, as did Cas. Though you didn’t know if Cas could’ve possibly done something for added protection. 

 

Castiel had gotten out of the truck before you did. You looked at him through the window playfully, and he walked over to your door which you opened, turning your body to the side so that your legs hung off the seat. 

 

He didn’t take his time at all, and before you knew it he was standing between your legs and kissing you. Obviously keeping your hands off of each other just wasn’t an option in that moment, so you went with it and let him pull you closer to him, his hands brushing your waist as your hands gripped the sleeves of his trenchcoat, and you urged his hands down. You didn’t care about waiting anymore. 

 

“Cas,” you moaned quietly, urging him on, and on  _ more _ than just impulse you began to say, “I l-”

 

But something you had forgotten about was the hex bag. You didn’t really forget about it, but you had forgotten that it was in your pocket. As Castiel’s hands traveled down further, he had felt it in your jacket pocket. That was when you realized you hadn’t spoken further.

 

You knew immediately that he could feel it, and he knew what it was just by the shape of it in your pocket. Being an angel with senses far more vast than a human’s also meant that he could feel the magic, even if he didn’t know what kind of magic it was. 

 

Without thought Cas pulled away and reached into your pocket, grabbing the hex bag. 

  
“Y/N,” he said, alarmed, “did you know this was here?” He thought someone was trying to hex you, you realized immediately.

 

“Castiel, I made it,” you blurted out, and he froze. So did you, and judging by the look on his face, you needed to explain. All of it.

 

“I started practicing witchcraft a long time ago,” you explained, “I thought it might help me find Lamina.” 

 

Cas backed away and you got out of your truck, slamming the door behind you. Your stomach kept twisting and turning and you felt upset when when Castiel didn’t say a single word to you. 

 

“It’s a protective hex bag,” you added, “hides me from demons and angels.”

 

You thought you had explained it well, in a way that he might understand. The words no one wanted to say outright lingered in the air still, though, and you weren’t sure if you could say it out loud or not. 

 

“Angels?” Cas asked, not even making eye contact with you. 

 

“It’s just the hex, it has nothing to do with you.” you clarified. 

 

“You’re a witch.” he stated. It wasn’t a question, and the words sounded as if they were painful for him to say. 

 

You were suddenly filled with fear and without noticing Cas had been slowly stepping towards the bunker door, he stepped towards it when you tried getting closer to him. 

 

“Please don-” 

 

But before you could go on, Cas walked away from you, looking just as punched in the gut as you’d ever seen him as he went inside, taking the hex bag with him, leaving you standing there in the dark, in the cold. You  _ had  _ to go after him. You just had to. 

 

Suddenly however you felt that you should wait. Would Cas go straight to Sam and Dean? Would he go into your room and see your bag of supplies?

 

Was he going to leave you?

 

“Surprise,” you heard from an all too familiar voice, causing you to spin around and make direct eye contact with Crowley, who was standing next to your truck.

 

Crowley alone made you never want to leave the bunker. You felt the anger bubbling up inside you, consuming you, and though you wanted to act on it, you knew better. 

  
“What it is Crowley,” you said, your voice very monotone. It was difficult to not let it crack given how upset you were feeling after what had just happened.

 

“Any progress?” was all he asked. Suddenly you stopped worrying about Cas, because something was off. He seemed more agitated than usual. Which wasn’t exactly a shocker, but it was unusual.

 

“A little. We can kill her but we still need to find her,” you replied, staying skeptical.

 

“Well,” he scoffed, and you rolled your eyes, “you might want to hurry it up. You only have until Halloween.” 

 

You had begun tuning him out, but when Crowley said that, you were listening again. What did he just say?

 

“I’m sorry?” you questioned.

  
“Right, so,” Crowley smiled, “I’ve shortened your soul deal, hoping that might… offer some incentive.” 

 

“That’s  _ literally _ in less than a week,” you said, panicked, “you’re fucking kidding me, right?”

 

Crowley only shrugged, and was very obviously enjoying how angry you were getting.

 

“This is just how it has to be, Y/N. My hands are quite  _ literally _ tied.” 

 

“Your hands are-” you began, but very quickly did you realize that he was trying to tell you something. Without another word you gave him a look, hopefully one he interpreted correctly. You were silently asking him if this was something he was being forced to do. 

 

Crowley nodded once, and then you knew. Lamina was behind this. 

 

“The deal is still on however,” he said, “have the bitch dead by midnight on Halloween, I tear your soul deal to shreds.” 

 

And then he was gone. 

 

Very suddenly did all of the anger bubble up all the way to the top. The same anger that you held onto for years and years of pushing it down. Everything you’d worked so hard for up until this point felt as if it was washed away. Burned away. Ripped away. The cold air was now hot, and the small cloud that was your breath trying to melt that cold air away little by little was no double in size as you let out a roaring scream of frustration. A scream of fear, of grief, of anger. You screamed and screamed until your lungs could handle no more and the cloud of breath in front of you was gone. Your voice was gone, and you were screaming silently. Tears pricked your eyes and you were sobbing without warning. You were shaking, quivering, breaking. The cold air was cracking you right in half and you were going to let it. 

 

There was six days until Halloween. Just six. 

 

Six days you had left to find Lamina, if you could. Six days you had left to love Cas with everything that you had left to give him, which wasn’t much. 

 

Six days was all you had left. 

 

And then you’d be dead. 

 

You could feel it.

 

_ Six days _ . 

 

As you fell to your knees on the cold hard ground, your phone began to ring. You had half the mind to ignore it, but you looked at the screen anyway. It was Rowena.

 

If she was calling back this early, it meant she’d found Lamina. 

  
Which meant it was time to fight, even if you had to do it without Cas. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH! What's going on???? Tell me what you thought of this chapter! Did you expect any of it? There was some hints that the reader was a witch in an earlier chapter, did anyone catch it? Anyway, the action you have all been waiting for will happen in the next chapter. And then? I have plans. Lamina isn't the only plot I've been plotting....


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Castiel grow closer before the much anticipated fight with Lamina. Things take a turn, and leave Cas wondering whether or not he can save you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient! This one ended up being longer than I intended, so it took awhile. Lol, anyway, here you go! <3

You both were and weren’t surprised to find Castiel in your bedroom. 

 

You were surprised because this secret that you had kept to yourself for so long had just come up, and anyone that still wanted to be with you after a reveal like that had to be... some type of crazy. And you weren’t surprised, because if Cas felt the same way about you that you did him… leaving was impossible. And both of you knew it, after trying for so long.

 

He looked up at you from where he sat on your bed when you opened the door, and he could tell immediately that something was up. Your face was red, your nose was now stuffy from crying, your eyes were probably bloodshot, and your cheeks were most likely tear stained. But none of that mattered in that moment, and you didn’t even give Cas a chance to ask you what was wrong. 

 

All you said was, “I know where Lamina is,” and nothing else seemed to matter. 

 

It was time to end her. 

 

Castiel stood. “How-” he started to ask, but you needed to get the information out quickly.

 

“Well, I don’t know  _ where _ she is exactly but know where she’s  _ going _ to be,” you said quickly, “It’ll cut close to…” You trailed off. When you had gotten off of the phone with Rowena you ran inside so quickly that you hadn’t had even a second to process everything that Crowley had just told you. The information hadn’t even fully processed yet, and you didn’t have the time to let it because it was time to take action. 

 

“Okay so,” you said, looking everywhere but at Cas, “Crowley showed up the second you stormed off-”

 

“I wouldn’t say I  _ stormed _ off,” Cas argued, but you didn’t acknowledge it because both of you knew that he did in fact storm off, and you’d go as far to  argue that it was even a little dramatic. Besides, it didn’t even matter.

 

“Lamina’s controlling him somehow,” you said, “he’s shortened my deal.” You felt your hands begin to shake after saying it out loud. 

 

“He  _ what _ ?” Cas said, his eyes narrowing. You could hear both anger and confusion in his voice.    
  
“We have until Halloween,” you said, your eyes now falling to the floor because looking at Cas while you told him that would’ve just been too much. There was a few seconds of silence before anything else was said. The silence around you was filled with shock and what was the beginning of grief. It was almost deafening. 

 

“That’s in...” Cas added, trailing off and you took the opening to finish the sentence.

 

“Six days.” 

 

It wasn’t until you felt Cas’ arms wrap around you that you were able to look up. You looked up into his eyes as he comforted you the only way he could. For a few moments, neither of you knew what to say; neither of you knew what to do. The low lighting in your room reflected the mood perfectly as your Christmas lights twinkled in Castiel’s eyes. Everything was okay  _ right now _ , and usually, when you told yourself, that, it worked. However, with your death now in sight, it didn’t feel like there could ever be a moment that was okay again. 

 

“We need a plan,” you said eventually. Even when you were consumed with grief or… whatever this feeling was, your automatic reaction was still to fight, and that’s what you did. 

 

Still holding you in his arms, with your head now against his chest, Cas said, “Where will she be?” 

 

You swallowed thickly before you could answer him, considering you never planned on going back. “The house I grew up in.” 

 

Cas tightened his grip around you, knowing what that meant to you and what it could do to you. 

 

“She’s going there on purpose,” you said, your voice thick with a threatening sob, “she knows that we’re still after her.” 

 

“We’ll end her,” Castiel said, his voice quiet as he continued, “and I’m ending Crowley as soon as it’s over.” 

 

“He’s still gonna rip it up,” you said, pulling away from Cas so that you could go and sit on your bed, “It just… it doesn’t make sense? Why is she doing this? Why is it all lining up this way?” 

 

You could tell by the way he spoke that Cas was getting ready to leave, which caused you to look up. “I wish I had the answer.” 

 

“What are you doing?” you asked suspiciously. 

 

“Thinking,” Cas answered, just before he left your room. 

 

Rolling your eyes, you got up and followed him. You knew that he was making his way to the library. 

 

“Cas, what are you doing?” you asked again.

 

“Going to tell Sam and Dean,” he answered.

 

“No!” you nearly shouted, stopping Cas in his tracks. 

 

He turned to looked at you, and you stopped when you were close enough to be able to whisper, “I don’t want to involve them in this. You know the exorcism and I know the place.”

 

“Are you out of your mind?!” he asked you, whispering just as you were, and you could see that he was starting to get angry, “They’ve been helping for months and you want to cut them out just like that? After everything they’ve done for you?” 

 

“It’s not like that,” you said, sighing.

 

“Then what is it like, Y/N? Enlighten me,” Cas pressed.

 

“I don’t want them to die,” you stated, “and if they’re involved in this, there’s a good chance that they will.”

 

You broke eye contact with Cas the moment grief began to creep back into your heart. This whole situation was a mess. You knew that you and Cas probably weren’t enough to take on Lamina. Sam and Dean would probably be a great help. They’d help with coming up with a plan-- you were well aware that they knew their shit. But the world needed them even if you and Cas were gone. And maybe that wasn’t the right way to think about all of this… but in the moment, it was the only thing that felt right.

 

“We need to tell them something, at least,” Cas said as if he’d read your mind.

 

“No.” You stood by what you’d said. They didn’t need to be in on this anymore than they already were. 

 

Instead of giving Cas the chance to argue further, you turned and began walking down the hallway back to your room. Either Cas would follow or he wouldn’t, but you were pretty sure that he would. Even though you hadn’t been together long, you’d been arguing with him for years and you knew his habits when he was frustrated with you.  

 

A wave of emotion hit you when you entered your room, and it didn’t feel like yours anymore.. Suddenly, it didn’t feel like home. It just felt like a room with your stuff in it. Maybe the stuff didn’t even feel like yours. That’s when tears you weren’t expecting began running down your cheeks. 

 

Why did dying have to be so hard?

 

The sound of Cas’ footsteps approaching your room prompted you to wipe your tears away and spin around, hoping that he wouldn’t notice as he walked in. He always had a way of knowing what you were feeling, even if you kept it hidden. 

 

“If you truly think that we can do this without Sam and Dean, then I won’t say anything to them,” he said as he closed your door. 

 

“Well I mean... I don’t think it would be a bad thing if they came with us,” you admitted, “but we’re stronger than we think we are. We can do this.”

 

And that was true, you were always stronger than you thought you were, and Cas certainly was. Besides, it’s not like you had anything to lose, really. Right?

 

“ _ You _ most certainly are,” Cas said. As if he didn’t believe that he was strong.

  
“So are you,” you answered, and you couldn’t help but smile. 

 

Cas stepped closer to you, both of you seeming to enjoy the small moment as you looked into each other’s eyes. If it was up to you, you’d never stop looking into his perfectly blue, welcoming, loving eyes. It was Heaven.

 

“There’s also something else we should probably talk about,” Cas said.

 

“What’s that?” 

  
“The fact that you’re a witch,” he said, and you could tell that it was a bit of a struggle for him to say it out loud. There weren’t many witches that did right by anyone. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” you said, “but I have enough power to like… I don’t know,” you trailed off ass you looked at your Christmas lights. As you looked at them, they flickered off, and then back on again. “I don’t like it. I don’t like being able to do that,” you gestured around, making it clear that you made the lights flicker, “I only took up witchcraft so that I could get closer to defeating Lamina.” 

 

“Y/N,” Cas said as he looked at you, “I’m not angry with you, and you don’t need to apologize. I should be the one apologizing. I could have… and _should_ _have_ , handled it better, so I’m sorry.” 

 

As he sat down next to you, everything just seemed to fade away. He was all that mattered, the two of you being together was all that mattered. You turned to face him, and though it was easy for you to get lost in Cas, there was more that needed to be done. 

 

“We need to come up with a plan,” you said as your hand found Cas’.

 

“Your old house is in Kansas?” he asked you.

 

“Yeah, so it won’t take long to get there,” you answered. 

 

The mountain of emotions that made up the mood in the room transitioned into none other than determination. Something about you and Cas coming up with a plan together made everything seem… not quite easier, but it made everything seem possible. 

 

As you and Castiel discussed how you would go about killing Lamina on Halloween, in your old home - a place that you were, quite honestly,  _ terrified  _ of seeing again, you realized just how possible this could be. And the further it was discussed, the less real it felt. You had always dreamed of the day when the demon who quite literally ruined your life would face your wrath. You never knew it would feel like a dream, or actually happen at all. 

 

You feared what would come after, though you surviving wasn’t likely. What was life like after you had gotten your revenge?

 

That’s when you realized it wouldn’t matter. Not as long as you had Castiel by your side. 

 

Suddenly, you stood up. 

 

“Cas,” you said, reaching your hands out in a way that said you wanted him to stand as well. 

 

When he stood, you just looked at him for a moment. Coming up with a plan was important, but, it could wait just a little while longer. 

 

Sliding your jacket off, you tossed it onto the chair that sat in the corner of your room. You looked back up at Castiel slowly before reaching up to the lapels of his trench coat. Your hands clasped around them and you looked at his chest, not into his eyes as you pulled and slid your hands up to his shoulders, pushing the coat off of him. 

 

“I don’t wanna wait anymore,” you said as he allowed you to take his coat and toss it to the same chair where you’d thrown your leather jacket. 

 

Cas threaded his fingers through your hair, pushing all of the stray hair falling into your face back behind your ear. As he did this, your hand found his as you looked up at him.

 

“You’re sure?” he asked, his other hand reaching to cup your face, his thumb caressing your jawline. 

 

You would think since you had done this with Castiel once already that it wouldn’t feel so new, or like such a huge deal. The way the two of you had come to know each other over this short period of time, and of course your unavoidable expiration date that was now much closer than it originally was - well, it made all of this seem a certain kind of special and unique. A certain kind you’d never felt before. Not to mention the possibility that the two of you were soulmates. You’d almost forgotten that part.

 

All of this made it seem like everything happened for a reason. 

 

It was like something out of a movie. You jumped up, into Castiel’s arms, wrapping your legs around his middle while he established a firm grip on the back of your thighs. You practically smashed your lips into his and you let out the faintest of moans as Cas pivoted on his feet and walked the few steps to your bed. As he laid you down, your arms moved from the back of his neck to bring your hands to the sides of his face, feeling his stubble underneath your fingertips as his tongue slid into your mouth possessively. 

 

One of his large, warm hands moved to loosen his tie as the other slid up the back of your thigh, underneath you, and over your ass. He stopped for a moment to squeeze gently before moving to your lower back, feeling your skin as he pushed your shirt up. 

 

The two of you soon began to undress yourselves, slowly, as if you couldn’t bear it for a second if his lips weren’t on yours, if his tongue wasn’t mingling with yours in a way that you only wanted his to. At the point of Castiel only being in his boxers and his shirt, which was only partially buttoned because you’d been working on getting it off of him, you felt him; hard, wanting, and pressing against you.

 

He felt you, everywhere, touching your bare skin, squeezing gently in all of the areas that he quickly learned you liked the most. Your sides, your back, his warm hands leaving behind trails of goosebumps as he moved from one spot to another. When you finally had all of the buttons of his shirt undone, you pushed the fabric over his shoulders, and his arms pulled from your body briefly to get it off of him. At the same time, you reached behind you, unclasped your bra, and tossed it to the side. 

 

It had been months, which was honestly longer than you usually went without being undressed and touched in the dirtiest ways that you loved and fell victim too. Sure, you’d done this once before with Cas, but hell had hardly seemed the ideal place. 

 

He drifted back the small distance to lean against your headboard, and looked at you in a way you couldn’t deny loving. You hadn’t been shy with him at all as you had slowly become more and more exposed to him over the last several minutes, and you loved it almost as much as you loved the way he was looking at you with that hungry, dominant look. But at the same time, it was very much filled with feeling. You meant so much to him. Everything maybe, you weren’t sure. You were, however, becoming sure that he meant everything to you. 

 

Your hands traced along the angel’s bare chest and you leaned down and kissed him there, with lips that were swollen and wet from all the kissing, as low as you could manage while keeping yourself against him. Then you sat back up, straight, allowing him to look at you again, and this time- touch. You encouraged Castiel as his hands found his way up your body to your bare breasts, allowing him to touch them in any way that he wanted. 

 

As he continued this you leaned down and placed a slow, heavy kiss on his lips, letting him breathe into you. His breathing was heavy, and it egged you on to grind against him even harder than you already had been, drawing another moan from both of you. Sitting up after he pushed you upright as he followed, his lips left yours and found their way down to your breasts quickly. At that exact moment, when his tongue swiped over your nipple, you knew without a single doubt that you couldn’t wait any longer- you needed him now. 

 

“Castiel,” you breathed, just barely loud enough to hear.

 

He evidently had the same thing in mind as he immediately sat back, allowing both of you to maneuver in such a way that granted the ability to shed your single remaining articles of clothing. Before you knew it, you were completely naked, on top of him as you were just a moment ago, and you were reaching down without so much as a second thought to guide him to your ready entrance. 

 

Teasing both of you slightly as you rubbed the tip of him around in your wetness, you felt everything in your body call out in need, and you heard yourself cry out as you sank down onto him in one smooth motion. It was no surprise at all that you were good and ready for him, considering the  _ unreal _ amount of pleasure that shook your body. Both of you reaching, grabbing, moving. You lifted yourself up and down a few times slowly, enjoying the feeling of being  _ so full  _ of Castiel. 

 

It wasn’t long before everything began moving wonderfully fast; before Cas flipped you over onto your back. Your legs tried desperately to stay locked around him as he moved faster and faster. You could feel a slight sweat on your forehead as you held onto his upper arms tightly, while you tried as hard as you could to not cry out loudly so that neither Winchester would hear the near torturous levels of pleasure overcoming you. 

 

You were only able to catch glimpses of Castiel through your pleasure, as your eyes closed more often than you would have liked them to, but you couldn’t help it. You just felt so  _ good. _ However, when you did see him, really  _ see _ him, you felt the need to pull him into you even deeper, felt the need to move your hips to his motions; felt the need to reach out, and place your hand on his chest. 

 

He did not question it when you did it. Not that you would’ve had an explanation for it anyway. The very moment that you completed that movement, it was as if you were taken out of your own body. Everything around you was white. Perfectly white, warm, and bright as if you were in heaven’s empty space. Your bed no longer felt like it was yours, but was softer and covered in white silk bedding, as if someone had made it up for the two of you, as if you and Cas were meant to be there. 

 

You and Castiel seemed to slow down while the changed world around you started to stop, but as you held your hand to his chest, the pleasure became greater, stronger, and more intense than you had ever felt. It was obvious that Cas felt the same, as his breathing was louder, harder, his groans deeper and more guttural- primal, even. Your body was trembling, as was his, and you could feel his heart beat in his chest. It rang in your ears, and you realized that it was his heartbeat matching your own. Beat for beat.  

 

In the blink of an eye, you were back in your room with Cas -not that if felt like you had ever left- and you were hit with a blinding orgasm, one you felt in your soul, one that caused your walls to squeeze and flutter around him and bring him into his own orgasm as your back arched into him and your hips pressed flush against each other. You couldn’t even tell if you cried out as you lost your grip on anything resembling reality; the only thing you were able to hear was Castiel’s sounds of utter pleasure through the bliss coursing you through you both. You were so utterly joined together that you couldn’t define where you started and he began; completely in synch with each other.

 

It was an unbelievable finish. So unbelievable in fact, that you weren’t even entirely sure it had happened. But you knew it for sure now as both of you came down from your highs. You knew, as he withdrew, laid down beside you, and rested his arm over your stomach to pull you close to him. You both knew what had happened. It was your soul connecting with Castiel’s. 

 

The words  _ angels don’t have souls _ rang in your head, but it wasn’t true. Castiel did have a soul. Maybe not one as powerful as a human soul, but it was there. It existed so that it could bond with yours. 

 

And in a few days, when you died, that bond would break.

 

There was no deeper regret than that.

 

\-----------

 

**HALLOWEEN**

 

You hadn’t looked up at it yet, you weren’t sure that you even could. Seeing the overgrown hedges in front of it was enough. 

 

Your childhood home stood where it always had, at the top of a hill on the outskirts of your hometown in Kansas. The night air was cold,- sending chills through you to and into your core. You knelt down in the hedges with Cas, because even though they were overgrown, they were easy to hide in. They concealed you well and it could very possibly be your only advantage. 

 

The fact that you didn’t know if you were hopeful or hopeless could very well be your undoing tonight. 

 

Immediately, as soon as Castiel began to feel stress that you didn’t recognize as yours, you felt it and looked up at him. 

 

“What is it?” you said, leaning forward so that you didn’t have to talk as loud. 

 

He looked at you slightly puzzled, wondering how you knew. Though both of you knew; it was 

your soulmate connection. “The house is warded,” he said, “heavily. I can feel it from here.” 

 

“Okay... so, new plan then,” you said, and your heart felt as if it had stopped. That was not something you wanted to hear. Not that you and Cas had much of a plan in the first place... all you could do was go in together, hopefully ambush Lamina, and end her. 

 

But now, Cas couldn’t go in. 

 

“There’s sigils all over the outside,” Cas said, “you’ll have to get rid of all of them, and then there’s warding on the inside that I can feel, there’s three sigils. You’ll need to take out at least two. After that I can get in.” 

 

You looked at him as if he was crazy, and for a moment, you wondered if he might be. It wasn’t like Cas to want to send you off like that alone, into a place that meant death for you if caught. 

 

“Are you sure?” you asked, and then the way the look in his eyes changed told you that he was absolutely not okay with this. 

 

Instead of waiting for an answer, you leaned forward and kissed him. When your lips met his, the world grew eerily silent around you, though the cold night air was still sapping. When you pulled away, tears fell, and you began to panic. 

 

You were about to head into your childhood home; the only place you had called home before the bunker. It was the place you lost everything and your heart wouldn’t let you forget it. Just the thought of going up to the house...

 

“Cas, I can’t do this.” It came out in almost a slur. It was unexpected of you to say and quite honestly you weren’t sure that you  _ had _ said it. If you had to stand up and look at the house, if you really had to  _ see  _ it… you weren’t sure if you could hold it together. 

 

Your breathing became quick and shallow, and your vision went blurry as the tears kept coming. Cas shifted out of focus and he fell to his knees from where he crouched down. His hands were on the side of your face in an instant, his forehead pressed to yours, and he said, “It won’t bring them back, but it  _ will _ end tonight.” 

 

You had made peace with the fact that your family would be forever gone; you accepted that a long time ago. But you hadn’t let them go. That part you couldn’t do, not until this was over - not until Lamina was dead. 

 

With the slightest of touches, Castiel could comfort you. You rapidly calmed down, and kissed him again, softly. After, the two of you stood, and for the first time in  _ years, _ you really, truly laid eyes on the vacant house you once called home. 

 

It was incredibly dilapidated. The house stood eerily silent, its plants overgrown, the grass dead. Yet it all felt hauntingly familiar. Distant and faded memories came back to you in a blur, kind of like tunnel vision. They brought you both happiness and sadness. 

 

There were broken windows, and the front door was obviously at one point nailed shut. All you knew about it after everything happened was that no one would buy it. Your parents were well known in the area before they died and apparently it creeped everyone out enough to not buy the house. 

 

If someone  _ had _ bought it, it was for the sole purpose of letting it rot. 

 

You turned to Cas after a minute of just taking everything in, breathing. He was already looking at you, and you wondered for a moment if he could read your thoughts, if he could feel what you were feeling. 

 

“Cas?” 

 

“Tell me after,” he said calmly while looking you in the eye, taking you in. He didn’t want it to be, and the two of you certainly didn’t feel that it would be, but it could be the last time you saw each other, these could be your last seconds. Cas saying what he said made it feel like there could be an after, though you weren’t sure it actually increased your chances. 

 

They were the last words he said to you as you said nothing, but turned and took off towards the old house that you once called home, not knowing what would be beyond the front door. 

 

Destroying the warding was easy. It was way too easy. You moved swiftly from sigil to sigil with a can of spray paint that you had found at the edge of the crumbling porch and painted a large strike through each one. You made sure that you went around the entire perimeter of the house before walking up slowly onto the porch at last. 

 

You looked back, trying to see if Cas was still near the overgrown hedges, but you quickly realized that there was no way you could see him in the dark, behind large, bushy hedges. Even so,you wished that you could. Before entering the house, you could really use one of his looks of reassurance. 

 

You still had no clue if you felt hopeful or hopeless. 

 

When you turned around, you noticed that the porch light was dimly flickering, and the wind was picking up. A chill coursed through your body strongly enough that your jacket didn’t seem warm enough anymore… not that it was really enough in the first place. It was a frightening chill that increased the adrenaline coursing through your body as you reached slowly for the doorknob. 

 

You wanted so badly to pray to Cas, to tell him that you loved him. But he said after, so you would wait. 

 

The door opened with ease when you pushed it. It creaked when you nudged it open just enough to slip through, and when you looked down at the floor you could see the thick layer of dust that had been caused by someone pushing the door open all the way. Underneath the dust, you took great notice, was the same hardwood floor that you remembered as plain as day from your childhood. 

 

You had to take a deep breath to even be able to look up. It was almost pitch black; the only light in the house came from the moonlight shining through the windows. Among the smell of mold, mildew, and rotting wood, your heart wrenched at the fact that it smelled the same. Your arms trembled and your knees wanted to buckle as you entered the house. You couldn’t even bring yourself to use a flashlight. The thought of seeing any more detail was almost unbearable.

 

Right away you could see directly up the stairs, and you leaned to the side like you used to when listening for the voices of your parents, hoping you could get away with sneaking around past your bedtime. The urge to go upstairs and see everyone’s rooms was huge, and it was making your entire body ache, but you knew there was no time. If Lamina wasn’t already there, she was getting ready to be, and there wasn’t time for any nostalgia. 

 

Remembering Cas had told you that there were three warding marks inside the house, and that you needed to mark out two of them, you got to work. The first was easy, it was right next to the doorway. You marked it out and began walking into the other room, looking at all of the walls with both a heavy heart and determination. 

 

The second warding that you could find was on the wall of the dining room, which was just outside of the kitchen. The two rooms were seperated with a wide archway, and you were still having difficulties pulling your eyes from everything in the house to the sigil on the wall. Tears pricked your eyes as you pressed down on the spray paint nozzle to mark out the sigil, and you couldn’t tell if you had finished it or not as something hit you in the head, knocking you unconscious. 

 

\--

 

When you came to, you didn’t open your eyes immediately. You knew that you needed to try and gain knowledge of your surroundings before making any attempt to get out. Unfortunately, you could feel that you were tied to a chair. 

 

_ Cas, I’m tied up, _ you prayed, hoping that it wasn’t too late or that you weren’t taken to a different location. You took a deep breath when you felt a warmness wash over you, like it had before. You still didn’t know if it was just the way if Cas responded to you, or if it was the only way that he could. 

 

Slowly, you opened your eyes, trying to see around you without giving it away that you were conscious again. The sound of flames crackling filled your ears and the orange glow of fire illuminated the room, but there was no smoke, so you were safe to assume it was a controlled flame, and not one you needed to worry about. 

  
That was until you decided to lift your head and made eye contact with Cas-- the source of the fire being flaming holy oil in a circle around him. You gasped quietly and attempted to speak, but he brought a finger to his lips, signaling that you needed to stay quiet. 

 

You cried out as something slashed across your cheek, and the feeling of hot blood quickly began running down your face. Your heart began hammering and you heard Cas shouting as you breathed for a moment, trying to gather yourself through the pain. 

 

“You really need to shut up,” Lamina said as she walked around in front of you, her long dark tangled hair dropping in front of her face. “Does it always take you this long to wake up when you get knocked out?” 

 

She was directly in front of you, knelt down with her hands on your knees and her face up in yours, but all you did was look to the side, refusing to make eye contact with her, or talk to her. You wondered for a moment why Cas hadn’t said the exorcism, but then you realized with him inside of his trap, it was likely Lamina could hurt you before he had the chance to finish her off; making this the exact situation you didn’t want to be in. 

 

The tips of Lamina’s fingers dug into your knees, and you could sense her anger rising as she waited for you to respond for her. But if you were being honest, you didn’t have the energy to. In this moment, you felt like giving up. 

 

“So what did you two come here for, anyway? Huh?” she pressed, the anger in her voice hardening, just as her grip on your knees still was. Lamina had already broke through your jeans, and almost broken your skin as she went on, “It’s not like you have the means to kill me!”

 

“We do,” you finally said, wishing you could just move and her her fingers out of your knees, “and when Sam and Dean get here, I’m gonna tear you apart.” 

 

You don’t know why you said that, and you regretted it instantly. Sam and Dean, if you had covered your tracks good enough, didn’t even know you left the bunker. They weren’t coming. You looked over at Cas and he only looked back at you helplessly, silently telling you that it was going to be okay, even though you knew it wouldn’t be. 

 

Lamina’s eyes narrowed and the look on her face only got angrier before she stood and walked in to the other room, probably to check outside and make sure Sam and Dean weren’t around. Though they didn’t have the means to kill her, she didn’t know that.

 

When she was out of ear shot, Cas whispered, “Do you know any spells that can help us?”

 

You hadn’t even thought of it. You always tried to avoid using magic at all costs, for reasons you’d been over a million times, even if it was just to yourself. But now, Cas was asking you to. He thought it was a good idea. Though you felt that you were going to die tonight, you could at least make sure that Lamina died too. 

 

“I-I don’t know,” you whispered back, not entirely sure if Cas could even hear you, “I’m not sure what would-” you stopped talking when you heard Lamina’s footsteps approaching. 

 

“Et pluet,” you said quietly, opening the palms of your hands in Cas’ direction as best as you could whilst tied up.  It was the only thing you could think of, and luckily, before Lamina had the chance to make her way back to you, water came down like rain from above, stinging the slash on your cheek and soaking you as it extinguished the flames that held Castiel captive. It stopped after a few seconds. 

 

Lamina turned around quickly, and Castiel just barely dodged her as she lunged at him. This gave you time to figure out how to get out of the chair you were tied to. 

 

Your hands were tied down individually to the arms of the chair and you wiggled and pulled just as hard as you did with your feet to try and get out. 

 

“Solutum,” you said, and the ties that bound you to the chair fell away, and you spared a second to think that you should start using spells more often as they apparently came in handy. You jumped into action quickly, as you knew there wasn’t much time. Cas needed a good opening to be able to start that exorcism, otherwise the two of you risked her catching on and having the chance to stop it.

 

You didn’t know any spells or any magic off hand that could be beneficial to the fight. So instead, you began looking frantically around the room for your angel blade as Castiel continued to fight Lamina. 

 

It felt like it was taking forever to find the damn thing, but it didn’t matter, because when you passed the old grandfather clock that creeped you out as a child, you froze. The second hand was ticking, the hour hand was almost to twelve, and the minute hand was pointing to minute fifty-nine. 

 

You didn’t know how the clock was working, or why it would even still work. But it was, and considering the time it was about when you came into the house, it seemed to be right.

 

You had just seconds left to live. 

 

“Cas!” you shouted, loudly. Too loudly. It was practically a shriek. 

 

You spun around, and maybe eight or so feet in front of you was Cas holding Lamina down by her throat with one hand. He had a look on his face --a look of anger-- that scared you to your core. You’d never seen him so angry. You felt it in your own body. His other hand reached and pulled something from her neck and tossed it to the side. Castiel looked up, and turned his head towards you, then looked behind you. 

 

When he saw the clock, he looked back at Lamina and began reciting the Enochian exorcism. 

  
As he spoke, everything felt darker, it was like there was a wind in the house. But not like the wind outside- no. It was warm wind, the kind you feel in the summer when a storm is blowing in, it felt good but you knew in your heart that something bad was coming. 

  
Lamina thrashed and she screamed at Castiel but he kept his focus, he kept his hands around her throat and he didn’t miss a single beat as the lengthy exorcism spilled from his lips. You watched in awe as the atmosphere in the room became sinister. An almost tingling feeling manifested in your core, and you watched as Cas’ eyes glowed bright blue, and you admired the way that he kept his focus. You felt bad that you couldn’t do anything to help, but Cas had made it pretty clear that this is how it would be. 

 

You glanced lower, at Lamina, and you felt satisfaction as you watched her slowly leave existence. But when her head turned to the side, facing the direction you stood, something was wrong. 

 

It was her true face you were seeing. You were confused for a moment… until you realized you hadn’t turned back to check the clock. And as you did, you realized that it had just struck midnight. The haunting sound of the out of tune westminster chimes made you jump, and you stared at the clock in disbelief and you hoped with all hope that it was wrong, that the time wasn’t right, but you heard Lamina laughing low and maniacally behind you.

 

“Y/N! Cas!” you heard, and you turned back around that Sam and Dean had found you, which didn’t surprise you in the slightest. They walked into the room, Cas still working the exorcism, and a single tear spilled over from the corner of your eye as the sounds of none other than hellhounds growling and barking began filling your ears. 

 

Suddenly, the sounds were right next to you, and you turned your head just before pivoting on your feet and starting to run. 

 

“Cas keep  _ going! _ ” you heard Dean shout, followed by the ever recognizable sound of his sawed off shotgun, and the sound of one of the hellhounds crying out. 

 

But it didn’t matter, because it was over. 

 

There was a bright light. Not the kind of bright you typically see when an angel dies, but an orange, red glow.  _ God, _ you had so many more things to say to Lamina before she died, and Cas… 

 

He was your final clear thought before you were knocked to the ground. There was shouting and lots of moving about that was hardly distinguishable as the growls of angry hounds moved around you, and very quickly were you in excruciating pain. 

 

You felt teeth and claws dig and scratch into you, tearing and pulling and probably eating. You tried bringing your hands up to cover your stomach, only for them to get bit, causing you to cry out as loudly as you could… which wasn’t loudly at all, because you were beginning to choke on your own blood. 

 

You heard more gunshots and more of the hellhounds whining as they were shot, but it didn’t stop, it felt never ending. You felt your soul, calling out for Castiel, calling out for help, calling out just begging the pain to go away. 

 

And then it did. 

 

“Congratulations,” Crowley said, “cut it a bit close… oh my,” 

 

You could hear what was being said, what was being done around you. You could feel that the wounds the hellhounds had inflicted on you were gone. But you still were lying on the floor, just breathing shallowly, your eyes were closed, you were unable to move or speak. 

 

There was silence for a moment before you felt one of Cas’ hands on the side of your face, “Y/N, can you hear me?” he said, panicked. 

 

You could, and you wanted him to know that. You tried to tell him, you tried reaching out to him with your soul, you tried praying to him, but there was nothing there. There were no conscious thoughts in your head, only the acknowledgment that your pain was gone. 

 

“What’s wrong with her?” you heard Sam question, to which he was shushed by Cas as he placed two fingers to your forehead. 

 

“Crowley,” Castiel said, low, almost like a growl. There was pain in his voice. 

 

“Don’t look at me,” he replied, “I can’t fix a torn soul.” 

 

“A what?!” Dean questioned, and you heard two sets of footsteps approach you, felt two people kneeling down next to you. 

 

“ _ Your  _ hellhounds were the ones that did this!” Castiel shouted as you felt him scoop you up into his arms, right there on the floor. 

 

“I can’t fix a soul!” Crowley shouted back, and then it was silent. 

 

“Fucking Dickwad!” Dean shouted, “Cas, what the hell is going on?!”

 

Castiel looked up at Sam and Dean as they knelt on the other side of you, looking at what seemed to them to be your healthy but unconscious body. You were breathing well enough from what they could see, but what Castiel could see was so much more. 

 

He looked down at you, cradling you in his arms, staring at what he wasn’t sure he could fix. Tears welled in his eyes and his lip quivered in a way that would’ve completely shattered you had you been able to see it. 

 

“The hellhounds,” he said, his voice scraping and his eyes unable to leave you, “She was… Y/N was…” His voice shook as he struggled to speak. “She was so close to death when Crowley sent the hellhounds away that when he healed her afterwards…” 

 

Castiel trailed off. He couldn’t bear to say it, but he pushed through anyway, knowing that Sam and Dean needed to know, “Her soul was torn. She’s there, she’s all… she’s all there. She can hear us, but only in a… It’s like she’s in a coma.” 

 

There was silence. Cas was closer to breaking down than he’d ever been, lost and hopeless. He had tried so hard to get the exorcism done in time to save your life and he only felt like a failure to you. His love. His soulmate. 

 

“Y/N,” he said, his voice still shaking, “Y/N, I’m so sorry.” 

 

“I-is there anything you can do?” Sam asked, “Is there anything  _ we _ can do?” 

 

There was silence for a moment as Cas visibly thought about it, “There is… there is one thing that might work.” 

 

Sam and Dean didn’t have time to inquire further before Castiel reached up to your face, and opened your mouth slightly with his thumb on your chin. 

 

“It’s after,” he announced, leaning down as if he was going to kiss you. “Y/N, I love you. More than you could ever imagine.” 

 

“Cas?” Dean said, wondering what the  _ hell _ Cas was getting ready to do. 

 

“Close your eyes,” he said, looking up at the boys for less than a second before proceeding, “if this doesn’t work, it will blind you.” 

 

There was one thing, just one, that Castiel had hoped he’d never have to do to anyone. And it was just that thing that he did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What. Just. Happened.

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy this chapter? I'd love it if you left feedback! It's what keeps me going <3


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